Saturday, March 14, 2009

IQ Bank. Banking Made Smarter.


Southern Florida regional bank Federal Union Bank (FU Bank) is making headlines today as it announced its new customer acquisition strategy. The product suite that is stirring up debates across the country is called IQ Banking. As of Monday all FU clients must take a standardized IQ test as part of the application process. Only people with IQ scores over 131 will be eligible to finalize the account opening process. Why the change? The bank’s public relations officer Roger Sanderson explained that the bank needed to take a new approach to opening accounts as more and more clients have sued banks on the basis on misleading clients.

“We here at FU decided that the best strategy to employ to fight baseless civil claims against our company was one that turned the tables on traditional banking.” Turn the tables it has. Upon becoming a client of FU Bank, clients are expected to read through volumes of materials covering a range of topics from investment planning to mortgages. In fact, clients are automatically given all of the pricing rules and guidelines for all of the banks products whether they want them or not.

“We just want to make sure that our clients are making the most informed decisions, that way they can’t sue,” said Sanderson. In fact, all employees of FU Bank had their IQ tested. Any employee that scored over 131 was fired. The company commented on the firings Sunday night in a prepared statement that explained the firings as necessary to “even the playing field” for clients. The press release also indicated that the new strategy would force courts to side with the bank on disputes since the clients now will be both smarter and more informed than anyone at the company.

CEO Ken Pedergast IV sent an internal memo to employees that stated even he was subjected to the IQ tests. “This turn in our company’s business model is a necessity in today’s financial reality. This product line-up places the burden of client suitability squarely on the clients’ shoulders and allows FU to F them if we lend them money and they don’t pay us back. After all, they are smarter than us now.”

Other banks around the globe are eagerly awaiting the quarterly earnings of FU Bank to see if they should launch similar products. Right now all I’s and Q’s are on this little bank from Florida.

Oh No They Didn't!


The honeymoon has ended early in Wasila, Alaska as announcements from Bristol Palin, the daughter of former Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, and her fiancĂ©e Levi Johnston have confirmed that they are indeed broken up. The two former lovers made headlines last Fall when then 17 year old Bristol announced that she was pregnant. Today’s news has left people stunned in the streets of Wasila, Alaska.

On a day that saw teenage killing sprees on two continents, a raging civil war on a third, and the continued suffering of the global economy, the real news was being made in high school hallways 40 miles north of Anchorage.

“I totally can not even believe it,” says Tiffany Rathmussen, high-school senior, and classmate of Bristol. “They were like always the perfect couple and stuff.” In fact, many in town had been hearing rumors for weeks about the health of the town’s most famous couple. Many speculate that things started to unravel after Levi left high school to take a job as a seal hunter, while Bristol tried to cope with actually having to live in Alaska following her mother’s defeat in the elections. Friends familiar with the situation agree that the adjustment has been tough on the both of them, but their alliances are beginning to gravitate to opposite sides of the spectrum.

“Everyone knows that the Johnston’s are white trash drug dealers. I mean, the only reason why Levi isn’t in prison for statutory r*pe is because they round up ages in Alaska!” says one ardent supporter of Bristol Palin. She added, “Levi is the biggest loser I know. If glue sniffing was a science, Levi would have a PHD by now.”

However, Levi’s father paints a very different picture of the Palin clan. “Bristol is a slut, plain and simple. I bet she gets that from her whore mother.” Longtime friend Ethan Weathers also took his friend Levi’s side, “I used to hang out with Bristol until she became the total d-bag that she is.” Obviously tempers have been running high on both sides following the breakup this week.

Indeed the good old days are over, and new issues are hitting headlines as a result. The possibility of a national recount has been brought up in Washington circles as conservative voters now realize that they were voting for the grandmother of a bastard child. “I think this whole thing is very un-Christian. Before it was ok because they were going to get married, but now what? It makes me feel sick that a bastard child, a devil child, could have reached the White House because of my vote,” said longtime conservative Republican Annie Koulter, 76, of Wisconsin. Early opinion polls show a re-vote could add at least 7% of the popular vote to the Obama administration.

The debate is likely to rage on for weeks as to what the political ramifications of this former love story will be. All that is known now is that the 2 month old baby wedged in the middle of this feud, Tripp, is healthy and currently coping with the breakup of his parents. Although Tripp has offered no public comment on his parents’ relationship, it is reported that he was seen by residents last night passed out surrounded by beer cans on the side of Route 1.

Lone Wolf? Bet on it.


A lot has been said about the world’s most notorious fraudster Bernard Madoff over the past couple of weeks. However, following his court case in lower Manhattan today one thing now appears clear: He acted alone.

Federal Regulators have been hinting for months that they suspect Madoff family members and other lower level employees of being involved in what has been named the largest Ponzi scheme in history. However, not one shred of evidence implicates anyone other than Bernie Madoff himself in the plot to defraud investors of more than $64 billion. Suggesting that he had any help perpetrating this crime is simply ridiculous. The following is a point by point case analysis of why I believe Bernie acted alone:

  1. Bernie never invested the money.

How hard is it to deceive 4,800 clients, all of your employees, and each member of your family for more than 20 years? It’s simple if you never invest. Smart move #1 Bernie. If you don’t buy anything, it makes keeping track of stuff a lot easier. Now all you have to do is forge thousands of client statements, convince your traders that their computers are actually working, and pocket all the money without any of the hundreds of accountants you employ noticing. This is child’s play for Bernie. What could be easier for a man who has his only degree in political science, and prior to starting his pyramid scheme was a lifeguard? His in-depth market knowledge and rigorous market training put him head and shoulders above his colleagues in the market. He was the head of NASDAQ for crying out loud. Bernie is just way smarter than anyone else.

  1. Bernie is broke.

Tell me this: Why is Bernie the only one broke here if he wasn’t acting alone? Seriously. Bernie had such a big heart that he tried to give people back their money, starting with his employees. The day that he was arrested he was trying to pay back $173 million to his friends and employees via personal checks. You would figure that if anyone else had stolen money they would have tried to return it too. His wife certainly is innocent and it is obvious that she knew nothing about the scheme. Ruth Madoff has over $69 million of her own money. Admittedly, almost all of that money is in an account at COHMAD Securities Corp, a company owned by Bernie, but that is her money. So what if she took $10 million out of that account the day before the FBI arrested him, she earned that money working part-time as part of Bernie’s philanthropy company. No one ever uses charities for fraudulent schemes. Al-Qaeda and all terrorist financing groups do not count.

  1. Bernie is really good with computers.

Although Bernie has no formal computer training, I would like to remind readers that he was the head of NASDAQ for God sake. NASDAQ is a completely computerized trading marketplace. I am sure that Bernie was good friends with the IT folks over there and that he learned how to completely automate his back office and trading logs so that it appeared as though he wasn’t stealing everyone’s money ever second of every day. Bernie is capable of creating complex algorithms that were so mathematically precise that the investments that he did not make perfectly correlated with the actual returns in the market place for the fake trading positions he did make. As a result, no one would ever question the performance of the portfolio since the returns from his fake positions perfectly matched the returns on the stocks the traders thought they were placing. Really brilliant Bernie, good work.

  1. Bernie has retarded family members.

Don’t let titles fool you. Even though his sons and relatives have held high ranking positions in his company as well as with the main securities regulating entities like the NASD (National Association of Securities Dealers) and SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission), they are really stupid. Bernie’s son Mark Madoff, Director of Listed Trading at Madoff Securities, is said to be so dumb that he can barely utter his name. Bernie covered for him during his career by telling everyone that it was an honorary title. Andrew, the youngest son had his degree from prestigious Wharton straight-up bought by Bernie. Students from his 1988 graduating class have no memory of him. Andrew also received the strictly honorary title of Nasdaq Trading Director. Bernie’s idiot brother Peter was head of trading. Peter is exceptionally stupid since he didn’t realize that no trades were placed during his tenure as department head. Niece Shana is probably the stupidest person at Madoff Securities since her job was that of Compliance Director. Childhood IQ tests show her scores below the 45 level, which technically indicates mental retardation. With this line-up of mediocre people, and the relative unimportance of the jobs they held, it is not hard to see that none of them saw this coming. Bernie had all the fools fooled.

  1. Bernie said so.

All of the stuff listed above is pretty convincing and all, but those points are nothing compared to this one. If you wanted to know if other people were involved wouldn’t the best source of information be the criminal himself? So the guy told one lie, big deal. Don’t you think that he has learned his lesson? Don’t you think the guy would want to take down every one of his family members, friends, and colleagues if they were in on it too? The guy already has literally thousands of people who are angry and wealthy enough to have him killed; wouldn’t he want to spread that kind of love around? I mean, the guy is going to jail for 150 years, do you think that he really wants to perjure himself and tack on another 7 years? Let’s get real. If Bernie said that he acted alone, he acted alone. Besides the systematic destruction his lies wrought on several pension funds, insurance companies, banks, and private investors, has Bernie ever really lied about anything else? In fact, up until he ran out of money he never really lied. He always paid people exactly what he told them he was going to pay them. Now that is honesty we can all appreciate.

I think history will prove that Bernie Madoff was all alone at the top. I think history will prove that Bernie’s balls were so big that he couldn’t even sit down comfortably. I think history will show that this lone wolf was at the head of the pack. Bernie, I for one believe you.

Oh Pirates, Yes They Rob I.


Update to this post which I found funny: Pirates

News wires are flashing non-stop this morning as news of a counter offer to the $.10 Somali Pirate tender offer has hit the ticker tapes. In one of the boldest political moves yet, Russia and Venezuela have teamed up to offer a whopping $.11 per share for the right to own the once proud Citi franchise. The deal will be financed exclusively through securitized Venezuelan drilling right contracts and Russian natural gas derivatives. Hugo Chavez and pseudo-Russian Czar Vladimir Putin announced this morning their intention to buy the banking franchise at a 10% premium over the Somali Pirate bid from a fortified bungalow in the hills outside of Caracas. News of the bid has traveled fast, and industry professionals have started referring to the offer the Vladichavaputinhugostanezuela Deal, or VD, for short.

Head Pirate Ubu Kalid Shandu did not offer any indication as to whether the Pirate Federation will up the ante on its bid to control the banking giant, but did comment on the situation.

"I think that the Russians and Venezuelans better watch their assets if they know what is good for them. The world will see that VD is good for no one," he said as he sat in Pirate headquarters in downtown Mogadishu.

Tensions have been running high throughout the past two weeks as rhetoric has been coming from all sides. Prior rumors in the market included speculation that Congolese Rebel Groups and Thai Protestors were masquerading as banking clients worldwide in an attempt to takeover the banking titan by physical force. Those rumors died down after it became known that very little money was held at the bank, and that most of the assets were secured in the vaults of the Federal Reserve.

The VD comes at a tense time for the US economy, and its effects could easily spread to the rest of the market. These fears were only made worse as Vladimir Putin issued a written statement following his joint news conference with Hugo Chavez this morning.

"We have no intention of fixing this institution. In fact, the whole purpose of the VD is to wreak havoc on the health of the US financial system. We are hoping that if we keep pumping toxic assets into other areas of the economy that our liquidity problems will help spread the contagion."

Those words loom large on the minds of investors who in the pre-market hours have started a huge sell-off on Wall St. based largely on VD fears. The Dow Jones Industrial Average was off 6.2% in pre-market trading. Shipping stocks were also down in morning trading as fear that anger generated by the thwarted Somali Pirate deal would cause further backlash to the shipping industry.