Thursday, October 1, 2009

Terrorists Go Into Hiding....Under New Noun


The world can breathe a sigh of relief. Terrorists have infiltrated a new proper noun, Freedom Fighter. Two of the worlds forerunners of human rights Hugo Chavez and Moammar Gadhafi have redefined terrorism so that the world is now a safer place. Last week the two leaders came together to issue a statement that Venezuela and Libya, "reject intentions to link the legitimate struggle of the people for liberty and self-determination" with terrorism, but also adds that they "reiterate the importance of countering terrorism in all its forms." Under the new terrorism guidelines people will no longer be considered terrorists as long as they kill innocent bystanders under the veil of religious freedom or political insurrection.

This is especially good news for the former Libyan leader. Luckily for Gadhafi his 40 years as a terrorist and state sponsor of terrorism are now considered past the statute of limitations under the new definition. The timing of the announcement has been questioned by some internal factions as incredibly self-serving, but most of the protestors were liquidated well before the new mandate was put in place.

Hugo Chavez knows first hand how to define legitimate struggles for liberty and self-determination. When asked how to make the distinction between terrorism and the pursuit of freedom Chavez smiled and reponded, "That is easy." When probed a little further he elaborated by saying, "It is easy in the sense that I make the rules." That is in fact true in Venezuela where Chavez used money he siphoned off from expropriated Western companies, the national treasury, and oil contracts with Russia to buy votes within Venezuela for the purpose of passing an amendment to the Venezuelan constitution to remain in power forever while simultaneously killing, exiling, or imprisoning all of his political opponents. When questioned as to whether he was one of the world's biggest hyppocrites Chavez laughed and said, "Under me Venezuela is free, and anyone who does not agree with that is obviously a terrorist."

Gadhafi echoed those sentiments days later in a dynomite factory outside of Tripoli. "I for one am simply trying to rid the world of people who do not share my beliefs. There is nothing wrong with that. It is the people who want to keep you from blowing up buildings and civilians that are the real terrorists. Who are they to prevent anyone from pursuing their goals? What happened to freedom?"

Some people do not share Mr. Gadhafi's unique perspective. In a recent BBC poll, 99.9% of responders, excluding residents of Libya and Venezuela, agreed that nothing Mr. Chavez or Mr. Gadhafi says carries any credibility. The remaining .1% abstained. Only time will tell how terrorism will react to its new name. At least for now, according to two ruthless world leaders, the world is a safer place.