Sorry. Pigged Out.

Unfortunately, there will be no post today since everyone in the world is projected to contract swine flu. If you have not taken the appropriate precautions it is likely that you have already contracted the disease and infected all of your loved ones.

Precautions include:

Wash hands frequently
Do not sneeze in the face of other people
Do not cough on other people
Do not let other people cough or sneeze on you
Do not drink spit that is not your own

Do not lick the floor of public restrooms
Avoid all people at all times
Wear a biohazard suit at all times
Do not talk to Mexicans
Do not talk to people from Queens, NY
Avoiding inhaling, only exhale
Kill all pigs worldwide
Kill all other animals that look like pigs

Obviously these precautions will only delay what is now certainly inevitable according to national media outlets; the total destruction of humanity. Keep those fingers crossed.

Craigslist Killer Post Bail.........On Craigslist

In a bizarre turn of events, Philip Markoff the 22-year old being held by Massachusetts police for the murder of prostitute, I mean call girl, I mean escort, I mean aspiring model, I mean unlicensed-wandering-handed masseuse Julissa Brisman, has posted his bail on Craigslist. Although initially denied bail after becoming dubbed the Craiglist Killer by the national media, bail was set for $30,000,000 by judge Roberto Stephens of the 5^th Circuit Massachusetts Superior Court. The change in bail status took place after Markoff’s fiancée Megan McAllister raised support on Facebook.com, the non-killer-prostitute social networking site.

Some people opposed to Markoff’s temporary imprisonment have tried to cast doubt on what would appear to be compelling evidence against the former medical student. Police have indicated that the underwear of the deceased prostitute-masseuse was in Markoff’s possession, along with the gun that killed her, and the plastic handcuffs that bound her, and his fingerprints at the crime scene. The astronomically high bail set by the judge today was meant to serve as a message to the community that the police are holding significant and compelling evidence against Markoff.

Just as quickly as his bail was announced, Markoff, displayed killer instincts and went right for the jugular of the justice system. Markoff fired off a Craigslist posting within 10 minutes of the announcement. Instantly, the number of hits for his ad shot through the roof. In other words, he killed it. His inbox has been assaulted all night, and he hopes that he can find a binding agreement with someone, preferably in an upscale Boston hotel, that will lock this thing up. Any more puns in this paragraph would be overkill.

If Markoff is able to make bail, police plan to fight fire with fire and begin posting fake Craigslist ads for vulnerable prostoescortisesuses in an attempt to re-capture him.