The debate growing over whether Dick Cheney is actually a human being has apparently reached a conclusion. In a clear sign to enemies of America, Mr. Cheney showed that although his blood is black and his soul is non-existent, he indeed is susceptible to human ailments following a mild heart attack in his nuclear reinforced lair earlier this month. This most recent heart attack, Mr. Cheney's fifth, sent him to the operating room to clear out plaque build-up that had accumulated over the years as the former Vice-President gorged himself on fear mongering and special interest kick-backs."Our enemies are weak and Allah will give us the stength to destroy them once and for all," read the headline on Islamic militant website www.ibecameajihadistafteroneofcheneysmisslestrikeseradicatedmyfamilyandnowihavenothingtolive for.org, an Al-Queda linked extremist group. Fears are growing that Mr. Cheney's heart attack may signal that America does indeed have a heart and that more militant groups may look to exploit that humanity as a result.
In response to these fears Mr. Cheney's aid Melvin Sanders issued a statement directly following the operation, "The former Vice-President is in stable condition and has formally announced his intention to declare war on his own body. Al-Queda will not stop until they have infiltrated every red blood cell and each arterial wall of all Americans. If the current President wants to sit on his hands and watch as America's enemies try to attack us biologically, we will take the matter into our own hands. If this body wants war, that is what it will get."
The former Vice-President has already started circulating memos within Congress to send 50,000 troops from National Guard units nationwide into his blood vessels intravenously. An addendum to the memo also requests that nuclear warheads be immediately fired at Iran, Syria, North Korea, and 5 other countries yet to be determined. Asked why Congress should approve of a nuclear strike on 5 unnamed countries, Mr. Cheney responded, "to remind people who is in charge."
President Obama is absolutely opposed to both sending troops to invade the body of the former Vice-President as well as his proposed nuclear holocaust. This opposition has earned the President that label of "Obaby pants" and "Jihad Lover" by Cheney's official fan site www.heartofdarkness.com. Although the President considers these taunts juvenile, some Americans are still worried that inaction sends the wrong message.
"I feel as though someone needs to be shot, or at least shot at over this," says out of work Blackwater Security Chief Linus Uppinshoot. He is not alone. A recent survey has shown that more Americans see Al-Queda as a bigger risk factor for heart disease now than their high-saturated fat diet and sedentary lifestyles by a margin of 2:1.
These are indeed worrisome times in which we live. There is no clear answer as to whether Cheney's military requests will be carried out, but one fact still remains: America can not afford to look weak. Whether America's strength will be displayed through diplomacy or all-out nuclear war remains to be seen.
