I figured that this would be a suitable article to use for the inaugural edition of Newsmania. The sole goal of Newsmania is to shine a white-hot spotlight on national news that is positioned as front page material (yet is barely fit for a community newspaper). You know the routine. The national news gets its hands on a story about an electrician than electrocuted chickens in his bathtub after work, and the next thing you know you have satellite trucks outside the guy’s trailer for the next two weeks. I refuse to believe that the common American citizen actually needs minute by minute reporting on dead chicken body counts being carried out by the local sheriff’s department. As a result, I will be writing satirical stories to emphasize just how ridiculous this coverage is.
How often does this type of reporting happen you might ask? The answer is: each and every day. What could possibly make my point better than this: Crazed domestic chimpanzee runs around the Connecticut suburbs and eats a woman’s face?
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=6912308&page=1
This thing has grown legs well beyond what is appropriate. This story has been covered by every major media outlet in the country. Is it sad? Yes. Is it awful? Yes. Is it pathetic that the name Travis is becoming the common vernacular for Chimpanzee? Absolutely. Do I really need to wake up every morning for two weeks and see Travis’ face staring at me on the front page of every website and newspaper? Good morning Travis. Do I need to get a complete rundown of Travis’ prescription drug use? NO. I don’t care! If anyone needs Xanax it’s me!
I would like to chalk this one up to….let me think……how about…..to the fact that Travis is not really named Travis. Travis is really named Chimpanzee, and chimpanzees are wild animals that have the ability (and tendency in the wild) to rip off the faces of other animals. Chimps have a good little rap going. They are known as our fun-loving, hairy cousins that provide us with endless hours of entertainment at zoos nationwide. Oh those chimps and their bodily fluids! So let me understand, as soon as this fantasy image of chimps is shattered it suddenly needs to be covered on national news? Does the public really need to be reminded that animals in the zoo are actually dangerous and that is why most of them are surrounded by concrete moats and reinforced cast-iron barricades? Give us some credit.
So save your 911 tapes, your family interviews, and your photo collages. This story ended with a butcher’s knife to the back and a hail of bullets about a week ago. Thanks to modern reporting, the nation is now eagerly awaiting Travis’ urine sample to see if he was suffering from a heroin relapse moments before the attack. I can’t wait.
