Rihanna Experiencing a Brown Out

Mere weeks after having her face disfigured by super-star rapper Chris Brown, reports from Hollywood say that Rihanna needs a time-out. A friend close to the 21 year old songstress said, “The swelling is just starting to go down and this whole experience has made Rihanna really appreciate being able to see out of her right eye again.” Rihanna’s family had similar feelings on the issue. Her mother Monica Fenty said that she was looking forward to spending some time with her daughter doing “normal things” like walking without a cane or eating solid food together.

For his part, 19 year old rapper Chris Brown has been relatively silent on the issue of whether or not he pounded the face, neck, and upper torso of his star-studded girlfriend on February 8^th, 2009. A statement issued by his publicist appears to deny responsibility for the alleged attack: “Chris Brown is a role model for millions of Americans who appreciate his talents as an artist. Chris is a naturally non-violent person who just happens to sing about the objectification of women and the glorification of street violence." Although Mr. Brown has repeatedly denied the assault, some people are beginning to doubt his claims. Weeks after the incident people are beginning to doubt that Rihanna's wounds were self-inflicted, due to anemia, or the result of a peanut butter allergy. Although plausible, these scenarios are slightly too coincidental when considering that the two singers were arguing alone in back of a car while Brown was allegedly punching Rihanna in the face.

A body guard for Mr. Brown offered an alternate suggestion as to how Rihanna's face turned into a bruised melon. "It is also well known among his friends and family that Chris has really big hands. Sometimes when those hands get going, they inadvertently bump into things like lamp shades, vases, and unfortunately cheekbones.” This writer is still not convinced.

Given yesterday's break-up, neither was Rihanna. It seems that either the subsiding of her brain swelling or Oprah Winfrey's hour-long sit-down with the star has had some impact. Jay-Z, her producer, may also have had something to do with it. Reports out of Los Angeles have suggested that the music mogul could not even look at Rihanna when she did not immediately leave Brown. "Jay-Z was really just disgusted with her both professionally and physically," said personal assistance Gee-Queue LaStrange. "

For now, it seems like Rihanna is making the right choice. She has money, she has fame, and unless her latest CAT scan comes back positive for latent post-blunt trauma aneurisms she has her health. Brown who faces arraignment on assault charges later this month is remarkably receiving wide-spread support from his equally ignorant and pro-gang war fan base who in a recent poll (http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2009/03/13/many_boston_teens_surveyed_say_rihanna_is_at_fault_for_assault/ ) said that Rihanna actually probably deserved it. If convicted Brown faces 3-5 years in jail, 40% higher record sales, and the prospect of reuniting with over two dozen of his former teen-rappers-turned-felons colleagues. The case should rap up by the end of the month.

Corn Growers Revolt Over AIG Executive Pay

Des Moines, Iowa: Corn Growers in America’s heartland have had enough of Wall St. and their cozy ties with Washington. Over the past year the nation’s largest banks and financial institutions have received over $800 billion in government support. Just this week, one of the largest recipients of federal funding, AIG, indicated that it would be issuing $165 million in bonuses to its staff following a stellar year in which the company lost $61.7 billion and received $173 billion in federal bailout funds. Blue-collar citizens are understandably outraged. On Wednesday this outrage took to the streets in this usually quiet farming town. Said one local resident, if tonight’s rally doesn’t call attention to corporate greed, what will?”

If the rally of 3,000 strong doesn’t have the desired effect in Washington, local leaders have hatched a new strategy that may have the desired impact. What new strategy you may ask? Iowa corn farmers have announced that they will demand that the government issue them retention bonuses or else they will quit. When asked how much each farmer is expecting for a bonus the general consensus was that farmers expected pay commensurate with that of Wall St. These everyday Americans plan to fight fire with fire.

What caused these simple people to take on such a controversial stance? “We were number one until these guys came along,” said corn grower Randy Wolfort referring to the amount corn growers receive in federal funding annually. He has a point. Corn growers have received over $56 billion in funding over the past 8 years, and have currently reached an annual funding level close to $10 billion.

"They just waltz in with their fancy suits and think that they can rule this roost. Well, it ain't so!" said another protester. Leading this protest was a small make-shift float contributed by the company Archer Daniels Midland (ADM). ADM is the country's largest corn grower.

ADM CEO Particia Woertz was leading the cheers of "Down with Wall Street greed!" as the float slowly moved through Main Street USA. When asked about the bonuses received by AIG, Woertz had this to say, "Those pigs on Wall Street have lost touch with reality. This right here is America. America needs corn. America demands accountability. America expects pay for performance, not pay for entitlement. You shouldn't get bonuses if you survive on government aid" To these remarks, the crowd surrounding Woertz broke into cheers.

When asked to confirm reports of a $17 million bonus was paid to her in 2008 Woertz responded with, "ADM had a very profitable year last year, and performance was rewarded accordingly at all levels of the company." When asked about a government report that highlighted the fact that close to 50% of ADM's profit is derived directly through government subsidies, and that the rest is attributed to markets created by the government explicitly for corn growers (high fructose corn syrup, ethanol, foreign tarriffs, etc) Woertz ignored the question and yelled into her megaphone, "Wall Street and Washington are full of greedy communists! They will send your jobs overseas! Corn is America and we will fight them!" At these comments the rally carried Woertz down the streets on their shoulders wrapped in an American flag.

If this protest in Des Moines is a signal for times to come, the protest lines could become even longer if other jilted industries hit the pavement as well. The airline industry indicated that they were examining their legal options after they considered the fact that they only got an $18.6 billion bailout in 2001. It seems that Wall Street is really going to get an ear-full from these farmers for some time to come.