The honeymoon has ended early in Wasila, Alaska as announcements from Bristol Palin, the daughter of former Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, and her fiancée Levi Johnston have confirmed that they are indeed broken up. The two former lovers made headlines last Fall when then 17 year old Bristol announced that she was pregnant. Today’s news has left people stunned in the streets of Wasila, Alaska.
On a day that saw teenage killing sprees on two continents, a raging civil war on a third, and the continued suffering of the global economy, the real news was being made in high school hallways 40 miles north of Anchorage.
“I totally can not even believe it,” says Tiffany Rathmussen, high-school senior, and classmate of Bristol. “They were like always the perfect couple and stuff.” In fact, many in town had been hearing rumors for weeks about the health of the town’s most famous couple. Many speculate that things started to unravel after Levi left high school to take a job as a seal hunter, while Bristol tried to cope with actually having to live in Alaska following her mother’s defeat in the elections. Friends familiar with the situation agree that the adjustment has been tough on the both of them, but their alliances are beginning to gravitate to opposite sides of the spectrum.
“Everyone knows that the Johnston’s are white trash drug dealers. I mean, the only reason why Levi isn’t in prison for statutory r*pe is because they round up ages in Alaska!” says one ardent supporter of Bristol Palin. She added, “Levi is the biggest loser I know. If glue sniffing was a science, Levi would have a PHD by now.”
However, Levi’s father paints a very different picture of the Palin clan. “Bristol is a slut, plain and simple. I bet she gets that from her whore mother.” Longtime friend Ethan Weathers also took his friend Levi’s side, “I used to hang out with Bristol until she became the total d-bag that she is.” Obviously tempers have been running high on both sides following the breakup this week.
Indeed the good old days are over, and new issues are hitting headlines as a result. The possibility of a national recount has been brought up in Washington circles as conservative voters now realize that they were voting for the grandmother of a bastard child. “I think this whole thing is very un-Christian. Before it was ok because they were going to get married, but now what? It makes me feel sick that a bastard child, a devil child, could have reached the White House because of my vote,” said longtime conservative Republican Annie Koulter, 76, of Wisconsin. Early opinion polls show a re-vote could add at least 7% of the popular vote to the Obama administration.
The debate is likely to rage on for weeks as to what the political ramifications of this former love story will be. All that is known now is that the 2 month old baby wedged in the middle of this feud, Tripp, is healthy and currently coping with the breakup of his parents. Although Tripp has offered no public comment on his parents’ relationship, it is reported that he was seen by residents last night passed out surrounded by beer cans on the side of Route 1.
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