As the writers here at Newsmania flip through the various media channels looking for something to inspire us, we sometimes see the same stories coming up on page after page. Recently a media sensation has exploded around a completely psychotic mother of octuplets. You read that correctly, octuplets. The best part is, that this woman already has six children. Simple math brings the total body count to 14. This might not be so bad if this person lived in Siberia on a farm and need all those little hands milking yaks, making snowballs, and doing the bidding of the Red Army. However, that is not the case. There are no yaks in this fairytale, not to mention no father as well. Heck, as we are crossing off things on the list, you might as well add common sense, self-control, and a job to the roster of things that are lacking from this situation. The breadth and depth of this woman's desire to mass produce without the means of caring for these children is stunning. Also stunning is her completely delusional nature of truly believing that she can or is actually able to care for these children all alone. So, instead of simply writing another story about how crazy this woman is, we have instead decided to create a new parent application that should be filled out prior to conceiving a child. The following questions represent the salient points from the test:
Questions to determine whether you are a soon-to-be-crazy-ass-parent. This questionnaire should be filled out prior to becoming pregnant. All answers should be checked in the box beside the reponse. Points will be tallied at the end:
Background
1) Are you already pregnant: Yes ( ) , No ( )
2) Are you physiologically a man: Yes ( ) , No ( )
3) Do you want to have multiple children all at once: Yes ( ) , No ( )
4) What is your ideal number of children: ___
5) Would you have an additional vagina/uturus sugically implanted so as to have more babies simultaneously: Yes ( ) , No ( )
6) Do you have endless access to stockpiles of sperm: Yes ( ) , No ( )
7) Do you see conception as the equivalent to food rationing in times of war: Yes ( ) , No ( )
8) Do you horde animals: Yes ( ) , No ( )
Financial Standing
1) Do you have a job: Yes ( ) , No ( )
2) Do you have a full-time job: Yes ( ) , No ( )
3) Does this job pay you enough to support yourself and your current lifestyle: Yes ( ) , No ( )
4) Do you view unemployment, disabilitity, food stamps, or other government support as actually being government support: Yes ( ) , No ( )
5) Do you want to avoid leeching off of your parents, family, and friends for you whole life: Yes ( ) , No ( )
6) Do you see murdering an old person and posing as them so as to collect their social security checks as wrong: Yes ( ) , No ( )
General Mental Health
1) Do you consider yourself crazy: Yes ( ) , No ( )
2) Have other people not jokingly referred to you as crazy: Yes ( ) , No ( )
3) Do all your walls currently have white pads on them: Yes ( ) , No ( )
4) Have you ever wondered what it would be like to drink blood: Yes ( ) , No ( )
5) Does you jacket completely restrict the use of your arms: Yes ( ) , No ( )
6) Have you ever been strapped to a bed by an orderly and told that it was being done for your own protection: Yes ( ) , No ( )
7) Do you write journal entries about killing other people in erratic handwriting: Yes ( ) , No ( )
8) Have you ever stalked anyone: Yes ( ) , No ( )
End of Test
I see these 22 questions as being mandatory for anyone looking to have a child. The scoring is as follows:
Background Questions 1-3: If Yes, subtract 50 points for each question. If No, add 1 point each question. These questions are essentially getting a measure for whether you are already off to a bad start.
Background Question 4: If above 4, subtract 50 points. If 4 or below, add 1 point.
Background Question 5: If Yes, subtract 500 points. If No, add 1 point. This is essentially a disqualifier.
Background Questions 6-8: If Yes, subtract 50 points for each question. If No, add 1 point each question. These are called red flags.
Financial Standing Questions 1-6: If No, subtract 500 points for each question. If Yes, add 1 point each question. These questions are pretty much disqualifiers too since it actually costs money to have a child. Important: Each child costs money, there are no volume discounts for child care.
General Mental Health Questions 1-8: If Yes, subtract 50 points for each question. If No, add 1 point each question.
To pass the exam you must have a positive score. All negative scores fail. If your score is below -5000, please pick up the phone right now and call the police. Tell them that you are crazy and need to have your reproductive organs removed. This will accomplish two things: 1) It will validate that you are crazy 2) It may also accomplish the goal of having the world spared from you ever reproducing. If only this test had been available in time.................
