BP Says FU to PR

Public relations has long been a critical tool in the organizational toolbox. Got a potentially devastating situation threatening your future? No problem, spin the situation so that things look more positive than they actually are and then try to divert attention to other, unrelated things. That is the general formula for success, and it has been proven time and time again. Ask Maytag how it has deflected sustained coverage on its recall of millions of dishwashers. Ask corn growers how they make you feel good about eating so much high fructose corn syrup. Ask Hugo Chavez how he accomplishes anything. Public Relations.

A sound public relations program has saved many a company from certain doom. Enter British Petroleum and their 24-38 million gallon oil spill. The British oil giant has decided that, for some reason, the time is right to rewrite the PR play book. A more traditional response to the spill would have gone something like this:

1. Be first to address the problem. This allows you to dictate the sequence of events and buy time.
2. Tell people how bad the problem is, but more importantly, tell them about everything you are doing to solve the problem.
3. Issue regular press releases that outline all the progress that is being made.
4. Refute stories that detract from your version of events.
   
5. Slowly shift the blame to other people once you have established that, although not your fault, you are dealing with the problem effectively.
6. Keep a low profile and try to resolve the problem quietly while people are investigating the blame you have heaped onto others.
7. Announce victory and move on.

Now to some people this methodology might seem a little crass, but I assure you that, when used correctly, this approach pays dividends (literally in some cases). However, there are numerous stories of people or companies that have strayed from this formula and paid the price. Tiger Woods, Toyota, and others come to mind for starters. So with this in mind, when BP's off-shore oil rig burst into flames, exploded, and began gushing oil at record levels into the Gulf of Mexico they took all the lessons of yesterday, took a deep breath, and said, "Fuck it."

The end result has been the complete shit-show that we have witnessed day in and day out. Has it been hard to witness? Yes. Has it been frustrating? Yes. Has the degree of ineptitude been mind numbing? Yes. Here is how their version of PR has played out on millions of televisions nationwide:

1. Say nothing. Pretend that nothing happened and hopefully no one will notice millions of gallons of oil spilling into the ocean.
2. Ok, someone noticed, so throw out a ridiculously low estimate of how much oil is actually spilling
3. Hook up an underwater camera so that people can be horrified by what they see
   
4. Tell people that oil isn't so bad and that the spill will probably self-resolve when the oil evaporates
5. Blame Dick Cheney/Haliburton (not a bad tactic)
6. Blame Transocean
   
7. Tell people that you have a plan, but don't actually explain it
8. Tell people about all the complications, set-backs, and political problems you are having to try to gain some sympathy
   
9. Tell people that you lied and that any plans that you might have referred to earlier will not work
10. Ask if anyone else has a plan
11. Decide on a plan, but take forever to put it into action
12. Go back to saying nothing
    
13. Have the CEO tell people that he can't wait for this whole thing to be over so he can get back to his own life
14. Have local fisherman help to clean up the spill but do not give them protective gear or training
15. Call the fishermen liars when they complain about feeling sick from the oil/natural gas fumes that they are inhaling
    
16. Make it appear as though capturing the oil is a higher priority than sealing the well
17. Sacrifice a kitten on TV
    
18. Tell people that you are collecting 90% of the oil when you have a live video stream which clearly shows that not much has changed from before
19. Don't pay claims from local families and businesses in a timely manner
20. Spend millions on TV adds that say that you are paying families and businesses while continuing to delay paying claims
    
21. Continue to say nothing of value
22. Leave everyone wondering how this whole thing is going to work out

I am sure that there will be other equally fascinating steps as this saga continues to play out, and like you, I am anxious to see what they think of next. Will they tell us that for every 30 gallons of oil spilled they will plant a coconut tree? Will we be told that eating oil saturated seafood can actually be nutritious? Who am I to question BP's PR approach to the largest spill in US history? I am just one of a couple hundred million people feeling helpless and desperate. I simply want some good, believable lies to make me feel positive about the slow destruction of the planet. For now, all I am left with is the phrase that keeps running through my mind, "Spill, baby, spill."