Assholdinejad Sworn In, Again. Awesome.

Have you ever held total control over all forms of media in your country? Have you ever had people publicly executed for "religious reasons"? Have you ever rigged a Presidential election? No? Meet the man who has: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Jealous? You should be.

52 year old Ahmadinejad was sworn in yesterday at the Iranian Parliment building for what promises to be another obnoxious and tirade-laden couple of years in office. It seems that only now Iranians are becoming wise to this old fox's tricks. Although relatively more aware of Ahmadinejad's bullshit, Iranians have yet to convince the military police of his illegitimate status, and thus, essentially can not do squat.

How has Ahmadinejad done it? Were his domestic policies his strength? Were educational programs central to his theme? Yes and no. He has created policies that are both vile as well as genious. The underlying principle that he adheres to that made this whole thing possible is quite simply this: Be an asshole all the time. What has been brilliant about Ahmadinejad's career is that he has played the asshole card to perfection. His winning combination is as follows:

1) Hate America - Always a big vote getter in Iran

2) Make People Think Everyone but Me is Lying Even When it is Obvious That They Are Not - This way you can play the everyone is out to get me card down the road and gain any residual sympathy vote.

3) Threaten to Cut Off the World From Iranian Oil - A tactic Iranian ally Russia has used as well since the world's leaders always lose their balls when oil is on the line.

4) Kill People In Public - Don't like what people are saying about you because it could hurt you in the polls? Kill 'em and then say that you were just adhering to the strict Islamic rule of law because you are such a religious person. Being the right religion is a big vote getter in any society, just look at what happened to that Mormon guy from Massachusetts who ran for President. Who? Exactly.

5) Get Nuclear Weapons and Threaten to Destroy Another Civilization - This dovetails well with #6 and also lets your people know that you will not be pushed around and that their voices will be heard. Afterall, you have already done step #3, so what are they going to do anyway?

6) Promise to Destroy Israel - This type of thing usually makes people mad and your neighbors crazy, but in the Arabian Penninsula this is not a leftist statement, it is a right-wing fundamental. In an area of vitually all right-wing conservatives, this is pure gold.

7) When Things Start To Turn Against You Tell the People, "That is What They Want You to Think" - Losing in the polls? Tell the people that the Americans and the Jews are making you feel that way. Cue rioter in the street: "Oops, sorry, let me change my picketting sign to....wait a minute....just a couple of changes here....sorry about this......Ahmadinejad 4 Eva!!!"

8) Ensure Prolonged UN Sanctions - Can't get food, supplies, or water? Blame the UN, not me. They don't want you to have it. Forget the fact that the sanctions would be lifted if I simply promised not to build and weild nuclear weapons. We have rights and clearly we would be responsible if we were to acquire them. Everyone will suffer until we can make other people suffer, is that clear! Somehow this line of thinking works.

9) Always Say the Opposite of Your Enemies - You want to make sure no one can say that you have any common ground. He says it is sunny, nope I think it is cloudy. She says she is happy, ah, actually you look kind of sad. He said that strapping bombs to children is inhumane and atrocious, but I say we all have the right to raise our children according to our own religious beliefs.

10) When in Doubt, Do Something Assholish - Feeling like you haven't done anything to gain the international TV spotlight lately? Kidnap a foreign journalist and sentence them to death by stoning. The point here is to do something really vile so as to show that you are always relevant to the conversation. Now where did I put those oil pipeline shutdown codes.........

Strangely enough, anyone can live by these simply rules and find themselves in a position of power. These rules are time tested and have been refined and adjusted over many a despotic campaign. However, today we must tip our cap for President Ahmadinejad for he once again has proven that he is a supreme asshole amongst all mankind.

To Your Health

Healthcare, should people get it or not? If so, who should that be? Should they pay for it or should they not pay for it? How much should they pay? Blah, blah, blah.

Before I really get rolling let me get most of today's biggest catch-words out of the way so they don't distract us from the issue at hand:

.......what's best for all Americans.
.......trillion dollar deficits.
.......bankrupting our economy.
.......the end of private healthcare as we know it.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Enough of this crap already. Let's first dismiss these stupid phrases in the order in which they came. They all quite literally are emotional arguments that when reasoned out just a little equate to a huge, steaming pile of bullshit. What is best for all Americans? Over 18% of Americans under 65 do not have healthcare at all, not to mention the 40% or so that are not covered under employer plans. So it would seem to me that holding the status quo would not necessarily be in the best interest of all Americans.

Trillion dollar deficits. Now this is a really good one. More than $800 billion has been spent on war since 2001 and we are worried about spending money on healthcare reform. There is so much doom and gloom being thrown around with spending estimates by our friends over in the GOP, but let us not forget their incredible estimation skills with how much the Iraq War Part II would cost. Answer: 50-60 billion. Oops, only off by a factor of 10.

For those who believe that our financial system is not bankrupt, think again. It already is. We just issue debt in this country and hope the Chinese will keep buying it. This country runs on deficit spending, and if no one buys our country debt, we will collapse like a house of cards. True story. What is really amazing is the millions of ways that we find to squander the money that we do collect. A surtax on the rich is plain old stupid. Whoever thinks that rich will simply put up their hands and say, "Hold on, there is more money over here you can have," please step off a cliff. Your naivity is no longer needed in this country. Countries like Switzerland, Cayman Islands, Bermuda, etc. make their economies function with the illegal tax shelters rich people in America use to avoid stupid 8% surtaxes. Don't believe me? Ask yourselves why Switzerland won't turn over the 52,000 names of tax evaders it has to the US? Answer: Everyone with a tax haven that isn't caught will leave, and the ones who were caught will sue. That is a lose, lose situation. My point is, the rich surtax is stupid because no one will pay it.

That leaves the crap about the end of private healthcare......GOOD! Is anyone really happy with their healthcare provider? The GOP will make really interesting quotes like, "65% of Americans are happy with their current healthcare provider." This is one of the most useless statistics I have seen. First, who is polling those without healthcare. I bet they would say 100% are pissed off. How about the 35% who hate their healthcare. Furthermore, of the 65% who do like their insurance how many of them have tried to get any specialized treatment or needed to do anything "non-medically necessary"? I have to believe any responder with gynomastoplacia (bitch tits) is one of the unhappy 35% since he technically can survive life with man boobs. Hyper-elongated eyelids? Cosmetic. Achne that scars your skin for life? Not covered. Got hit with a crossbow dart on your Transylvanian vacation? Out of network, proceed to pay your life savings. The current system has passed on one cost after another while at the same time marginalizing the care it gives. This is the very definition of a broken system. America is the country with the best doctors, the best equipment, and yet not the best healthcare. There is a disconnect, and private insurers are square in the middle of that void.

Now you all must be wondering what do we do. I am smart enough to point out the flaws, but am I smart enough to come up with any meaningful solutions? Yes, but the problem is that none of them will ever be politically popular or personally lucrative for those lawmakers who sponsor them. The result, nothing. That is the problem. However, I will throw these ideas out there and will watch in sorrow as the DC sun takes its toll and rots them away on the tree.

Ideas:

Cap Malpractice Suits: One of the main costs of healthcare comes from the cost of having doctors covering their asses. A $400 million dollar lawsuit for accidently cutting off the top of my finger? Huh. Doctors in New York pay almost $100,000 a year, EACH, on malpractice insurance. If you do not think that this would free healthcare from some real odious costs, you are a lawyer.

Ditch high fructose corn syrup: This has led to a national epidemic of obesity and one of the roots of the staggering growth of healthcare costs. Corn growers will never let this happen because corn = America in most peoples' minds. Not to mention that half the Senators on Capital Hill take in huge contributions every year from corn lobbyists and have no interest in pissiing off this support base. Ditch the syrup, watch people get less fat. Really that simple.

Allow Personal Investment of Social Security Funds: There is no transparency in the social security process. In other words, what I put in probably does not equal what I get out. Someone else spends it. Either the money is lost by the people who run the fund, or it is swallowed up by those who are older than I am. Whatever the answer, I will never see anything close to a benefit equal to my contributions. How about I invest my own contributions? WHAT ABOUT THE MARKET! LOOK WHAT JUST HAPPENED! First, that market probably destroyed a good portion of the social security fund. That would be because there is no accountability for the returns on the social security fund, and because the people running it know that it is vastly underfunded. Since it is underfunded they have to take huge risks to make bigger returns. Epilogue, the fund probably got its teeth kicked in. We will not find out for a while, but probably. If the government forced everyone to contribute the same amount of the social security witholdings into an account that they would not have access to until age 55 and they limited your investment options to 1) government bonds 2) money markets and 3) a total stock index fund we would all be much better off. No derivitives. No difficult choices. Plus, at the end of the day you know exactly how much money you have. The real good news. The government does not have to pay trillions of dollars to keep this stupid system alive. Money that could be used towards.....................healthcare.

Stop Fighting: End the wars, close up shop, and save around $50 billion a month on domestic programs that have been left out to dry for the past nine years.

Institute a Flat Tax: Time to make life easy. Take a flat tax and stop trying to finance the lunacy of this country with surtaxes on the rich. The only people who pay those taxes are people who were not rich enough to hide their assets overseas. No one is their right mind would pay 56% tax per year when they could move to tax oppressed France and pay 50%. Trust me, these people would jump ship at 55%. We would save a whole lot of money on limiting the size of the tax force needed to handle our system, plus more people would actually be paying tax. Collecting more money each year would be good, but what would we do with the extra loot? Hmmmm.........Healthcare.

Unemployment Benefits Restrictions: Wow, talk about a tough one to deal with right now. People would carry off the sponsor of this bill and throw him in a lava pit. What am I talking about? Look, I am not saying get rid of unemployment. I am saying make people actually go look for jobs. Take California for example (as in most states really). Californians must prove that they are looking for jobs to be eligible for unemployment benefits. How is this done? Interview sheets, centralized employment management systems, etc? Nope. A check box on a form. Yup, I looked, money please. Absolutely crazy. As a result, seasonal laborers make money during the in-season, and take 6 months of the year "off" by "getting by" on unemployment. These people are sucking the system dry across the country and should be cut out. All I am saying is make people look for work. Is this such a terrible suggestion? It would also help if these changes were put in place alongside some incentive program for small business owners (read tax breaks). That would help both sides of the equation. Again, unemployment benefits are not directly related to healthcare in the normal sense of things, but it is directly related to the problem of funding it.

What should a national health plan entail? That is the subject of another blog. This one was created for the sole purpose of blowing the whistle on the stupidity that is regurgitated to me via all forms of national media on a daily basis. Funding shouldn't be the problem. Current healthcare plans should not be the problem. The problem is that Americans do not always understand the finer points of finance and healthcare, and people in Congress have no incentive to fill them in. After all, Congressmen and women collect lifetime pensions and full health benefits after 4 years in office. If they had the same interests as you and me then maybe we wouldn't have to wait in perpetuity for any real systemic change in America.

Michael Jackson Death a Thriller of a Medical Mystery

News reports have been pouring in all week following the death of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Most recently, initial findings (from what will ultimately be the first of many autopsies) showed that Jackson was a meager 112 pounds when he died; not to mention covered in needle tracks. The autopsy also revealed that his stomach was filled with pain killers, his face was caved in, and half of his ribs were broken due to failed CPR attempts by paramedics. Jackson's family for some reason wants a second opinion, possibly thinking that the next doctor will be blind and miss half of this stuff so they don't look like total money-grubbing, derelict parents.

All this aside, the media has inexplicably overlooked coverage on an angle of this story that really should cause readers nationwide to scratch their heads. How did Michael Jackson die? Seriously, how did he actually die, as in how was it physically possible? What was not disclosed in the original autopsy report, according to an insider not allowed to speak with the media, was that Jackson's body was 99% artificial. The remaining 1% of living tissue consisted mainly of fingernails, or in other words, non-critical organs. Therefore, the question remains, how did Michael Jackson die?

Ironically, Jackson had planned on having the remainder of his living tissue replaced by his 51st birthday. Sources close to the singer indicated that Jackson was technically defined as a cyborg due to the fact that he still maintained living tissue; a distinction he wanted erased. The idea supposedly came to Jackson over 20 years ago while filming Thriller; his epic music video featuring dozens of dancing zombies. Jackson became enamored with the idea of being an undead dancer, but wanted a better complexion than his former zombie counterparts. Although questions remain as to whether he achieved a better complexion, Jackson was successful at replacing his organs and living tissue.

In fact, he may have been too successful. In a bizarre turn of events, funeral homes in the greater Los Angeles area have told the Jackson clan that burying Michael's body would violate over a dozen EPA laws. Initial reports have shown that the polymers and plastics that made up Jackson's endoskeleton is 100% non-biodegradable. Cremation is also not an option since Michael's body was designed to be non-flammable following his near death experience during the filming of a pyrotechnic laden 1985 Pepsi commercial. Launching the body into space would have been an option had Jackson not been technically bankrupt at the time of his death.

The most logical solution that has been suggested involves recycling Jackson's body. Local recycling plants have been contacted to see if their recycling combines would be compatible with the silicone-based resins used to build Jackson's head. Early indications have been that Jackson's body is indeed recyclable. Specifically, his skin was formed out of easily recycled low density polyethylene while the majority of his organs were constructed using a common form of polystyrene. Doctors were shocked to find that Jackson's organs were actually stamped with SPI recycling codes.

The sad truth is that none of this was supposed to happen. Jackson had designed his body to be able to adapt to any environment. He was virtually impervious to the normal needs of the human body. We as fans were supposed to have an endless source of entertainment and controversy. Alas, the mystery of his death will live on, possibly forever. The next time you hear a Michael Jackson song or see one of his videos you should be thinking to yourself, this story really is a Thriller.

Hung-Yu: The Legend Continues

Oh David Carradine (sigh). What happened to you? Once a world famous Shaolin monk wondering the world giving sage advice through his elegantly cryptic words and his lethal roundhouse kicks. Now his voice is silenced forever; the sad result of genital suffocation. The man who gave us quotes like, “If you cannot be a poet, be the poem" probably ended his life with less flowery language.

What has the world come to when such a kind, gentle, and........eccentric person can be left to die in a Thai hotel closet? I personally am pretty annoyed at David. Why? Because unfortunately, his legend, so to speak, will continue in the media for the next month. We have already had the delightful opportunity to hear from his ex-wife that "he was a sexual deviant." Glad we got the heads up on that one before he was found with his Johnson hogtied. Maybe we will be able to get increasingly insightful reporting in the future. Maybe we will be told that he always liked Thailand or that he was considering taking a role in the upcoming thriller The Secret Bond. Unfortunately for all of us, that one fell through.

What is for certain is that we will have weeks worth of his family saying that he was involved in foul play. The Thai authorities will stick to their story and simply label his a super freak who only got to f-himself in the end. The needle will move back and forth in the entertainment pages of America for weeks. Great. I can only hold my breath and wait for other celebrities will weigh in on why he is not a sexual deviant (think David Duchovney or someone similar). For those of you who like dirt, there will be plenty of it. We will get to find out from Thai police that he had enslaved a village. Former partners will tell about his crayon fetish. Just when you are ready to label him a total sicko, a documentary of fallen celebrities will come out and remind you how awesome he was in Kung Fu. And just like that the legend continues. Damn you David!

Boyling-Over

Susan Boyle. Britain's Got Talent. Swearing. National News. International News. Wow, even I have to say this is pretty close to a new low. This blog entry was originally going to be about John and Kate Plus 8 and the media obsession circling around whether reality TV is real or not (you mean it's not?!?!?). However, the fact that I can not open a newspaper or flip on my computer without having to see an article about an amateur Scottish singer that swore at a police officer is just simply mind-boggling. Maybe it is just the fact that I live in Brooklyn and constantly hear people swearing at each other. Maybe it is the fact that most people I know have lobbed an F bomb or two at the local authorities. Maybe it is the fact that I swear like a drunken sailor. Or maybe it is the fact that people in Great Britain have perfected the art of swearing. I am not sure what it is, but what I do know is that this is certainly not national news, and it is definitely not international news. Just ask Joon Il Kim of South Korea who was recently treated for third degree burns after his skin got torched by the exhaust trail of the ballistic missiles North Korea test fired in his backyard. You would have been able ask about 20,000 more Sri Lankans that question as well, but they died this week. Just think, Susan Boyle's star shines so bright that even an Iranian Presidential assasination attempt can't even come close to one of her "fucks" or "shits". This phenonmenon is leading me to think that the world's problems can actually be solved by Susan Boyle's swears since it appears that nothing else happens in the world when she fires off a couple of explatives. Let's try that theory out in a little role playing exercise. I will be Susan Boyle, and you can be a police officer.

You: Excuse me mum, you will have to move your car.
Me: Fuck you.
Global Impact: World Hunger Ended

Wow, that was awesome. Let's try again.

You: If you don't move that car I will give you a ticket.
Me: Who do you think you are fucking talking to?
Global Impact: All Israelis and Palestinians hug in a loving embrace

This is easy. It really works. Nothing else happens in the world when Susan Boyle (or even a stand-in) swears. If we had only known this just a little earlier we could have prevented the Black Plague or even World War II. Holy Shit (anthrax eliminated)! This is a big-ass discovery (nuclear weapons worldwide disappear). Go on everyone, hit the streets and swear your head off. The world is a better place if we can all just come together, hold hands, and tell one another to fuck off....(Crap journalism ceases to exist).

Meth-ing Around with Nature

Crystal meth, also known as Crank and Super Ice, will be joining millions of Americans nationwide this summer.........in our national parks. Thanks to the passing of S.J.Res19 during today's legislative session on Capital Hill, the so-called Meth Bill could go in front of the President as soon as Thursday. The Meth Bill would allow all Americans to not only carry, conceal, and consume crystal meth in national parks, it would allow anyone over 18 to manufacture crystal meth as long as they get a permit from the National Forest Service.

This news comes as quite a shock to most Americans, and many wonder why this Bill ever made it to a vote since manufacturing and distribution of crystal meth is illegal worldwide. The answer is that no one was supposed to know that the Bill existed. That isn't exactly true, but close. The Meth Bill was originally coined the Save the Babies Bill. The primary purpose of the legislation was to set up a national fund to cover expenses for pre-mature babies without health insurance. However, buried deep in the document was the three sentence paragraph which offered up the national parks as fodder for meth heads.

The controversial legislation was written by Minnesota Republican Senator Norm Coleman. Coleman, a former meth addict himself, said the reason he included the bill was that it was a win-win situation for him. "On the one hand, my term in office has expired. On the other hand most people in my constituency are addicts. What do I have to lose?"

This story may never have been told if it wasn't for the public fervor that built up last week when a similar sub-bill allowing kindergardeners to carry high explosives was buried in the fine print of a wildlife bill meant to protect the manatees. The public backlash was intense and forced the President to veto the bill; sending it back to Congress for revisions.

"When did the public start reading these things?" said Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn. "How am I supposed to serve special interest groups if people are checking these things over?" Indeed. The tides may certainly be changing in Washington DC. However, judging by the historically short attention span of the nation the days of pro-napalm bills, anti-non-Evangelical policies, and deregulatory pork fat are far from over.

That's Just How I Was Raised, No Offense

There are dreams, and then there are wet dreams. Donald Trump is having the latter. His brainchild, the Miss America contest, has been in years past, frankly, as irrelevant as a male nipples. This year was different. This year one of the high-glam, low-IQ contestants let loose a bombshell.................she does not approve of homosexuals getting married, no offense. How shocking! Wait, there is more. She considers herself a conservative Christian! Doubly shocking! I can't believe it.

I for one am glad that this year's Miss America runner-up Carrie Prejean brought this to light. I am extra thankful that the world media was there to help spread the word that conservative Christians do not agree with gay marriage. I simply had no idea. It is nice to see every media outlet, including talk shows, daytime TV, magazines, newspapers, editorial columns, etc chipping in and giving us round the clock coverage on this revelation.

As an added bonus, religious groups are using Ms. Prejean as the voice of reason against the growing clamour of social acceptance toward gay people. The anti-gay movement needed this moment. They needed someone who is smart, beautiful, morally grounded, and a perfect role model (no pun intended). After all, Ms. Prejean's message that marriage, according to her upbringing, only applies to men and women really resonates with people. However, a closer look into this matter gives rise to some concerns that our heroine for the anti-gay movement might bare some luster.

Ms.Prejean credits her upbringing and Christian faith for her moral high ground against gay marriage. First, let us examine her upbringing. If we forget the fact that her parents are divorced (oh the sin of it) and that her mother actually said that all men who have mustaches are gay, we may be able to gain some very interesting insights. Ms. Prejean gives off an air of innocense and righteousness, qualities that are expected of Miss California. As essentially a delegate and dplomat of the state of California, she is assumed to be not only law abiding, but also an extension of the state itself. If that is the case, some of her supporters may be irked by her implicit support of some controversial California state laws. Just take a look at the following California laws still on the books that she, as Miss California, inherently supports:

1) Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk - WHAT! She just lost support from children under 10 and parents alike.

2) It is illegal to wash your car in the street - HUH? Teenage boys and street gangs just called, they are out of Prejean camp.

3) It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course - F-THAT! Testosterone laden over-competitive males are off the ticket (some of her biggest supporters)

4) It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent - SNAP! Texas is out too along with men wearing shirts with no sleeves.

5) Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. BUZZ OFF! Creepy old guys just hung up the gloves.

6) It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. THAT'S RUFF! Fanatical widows with cat and dog menageries won't be joining.

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. That would pretty much weed out everybody. Well all is not lost. She also has her faith to fall back on. Subsequent interviews with Ms. Prejean has her referring to the Bible and its literal interpretation as support for her anti-gay marriage stance. That is all fine and dandy, however, literally translating the Bible is a slippery slope. She should hope that her Christian brothers and sisters (those who weren't put off from her inherent support of California penal codes) glance over these passages without looking too closely:

"Take and eat; this is my body" (Matthew 26:26) - Support canabalism

"Suffer not a witch to live," (Exodus 22:18, KJV) - Kill witches

"If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity" (Deuteronomy 25:12-13, NIV). - Maim prostitutes and hussies

"Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ." (Ephesians 6:5, NIV). - Enslave people

"But if ... evidences of virginity are not found for the young woman, then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones..." (Deuteronomy 22:20,21) - WAIT!!!!

Now, take a look at this picture that was recently released of Ms. Prejean. Should we load up on stones? I don't want to be a stickler here, but that was the way I was raised, and the Bible clearly states that we should be gathering rocks right now, no offense.