Meth-ing Around with Nature

Crystal meth, also known as Crank and Super Ice, will be joining millions of Americans nationwide this summer.........in our national parks. Thanks to the passing of S.J.Res19 during today's legislative session on Capital Hill, the so-called Meth Bill could go in front of the President as soon as Thursday. The Meth Bill would allow all Americans to not only carry, conceal, and consume crystal meth in national parks, it would allow anyone over 18 to manufacture crystal meth as long as they get a permit from the National Forest Service.

This news comes as quite a shock to most Americans, and many wonder why this Bill ever made it to a vote since manufacturing and distribution of crystal meth is illegal worldwide. The answer is that no one was supposed to know that the Bill existed. That isn't exactly true, but close. The Meth Bill was originally coined the Save the Babies Bill. The primary purpose of the legislation was to set up a national fund to cover expenses for pre-mature babies without health insurance. However, buried deep in the document was the three sentence paragraph which offered up the national parks as fodder for meth heads.

The controversial legislation was written by Minnesota Republican Senator Norm Coleman. Coleman, a former meth addict himself, said the reason he included the bill was that it was a win-win situation for him. "On the one hand, my term in office has expired. On the other hand most people in my constituency are addicts. What do I have to lose?"

This story may never have been told if it wasn't for the public fervor that built up last week when a similar sub-bill allowing kindergardeners to carry high explosives was buried in the fine print of a wildlife bill meant to protect the manatees. The public backlash was intense and forced the President to veto the bill; sending it back to Congress for revisions.

"When did the public start reading these things?" said Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn. "How am I supposed to serve special interest groups if people are checking these things over?" Indeed. The tides may certainly be changing in Washington DC. However, judging by the historically short attention span of the nation the days of pro-napalm bills, anti-non-Evangelical policies, and deregulatory pork fat are far from over.