News reports have been pouring in all week following the death of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Most recently, initial findings (from what will ultimately be the first of many autopsies) showed that Jackson was a meager 112 pounds when he died; not to mention covered in needle tracks. The autopsy also revealed that his stomach was filled with pain killers, his face was caved in, and half of his ribs were broken due to failed CPR attempts by paramedics. Jackson's family for some reason wants a second opinion, possibly thinking that the next doctor will be blind and miss half of this stuff so they don't look like total money-grubbing, derelict parents.
All this aside, the media has inexplicably overlooked coverage on an angle of this story that really should cause readers nationwide to scratch their heads. How did Michael Jackson die? Seriously, how did he actually die, as in how was it physically possible? What was not disclosed in the original autopsy report, according to an insider not allowed to speak with the media, was that Jackson's body was 99% artificial. The remaining 1% of living tissue consisted mainly of fingernails, or in other words, non-critical organs. Therefore, the question remains, how did Michael Jackson die?
Ironically, Jackson had planned on having the remainder of his living tissue replaced by his 51st birthday. Sources close to the singer indicated that Jackson was technically defined as a cyborg due to the fact that he still maintained living tissue; a distinction he wanted erased. The idea supposedly came to Jackson over 20 years ago while filming Thriller; his epic music video featuring dozens of dancing zombies. Jackson became enamored with the idea of being an undead dancer, but wanted a better complexion than his former zombie counterparts. Although questions remain as to whether he achieved a better complexion, Jackson was successful at replacing his organs and living tissue.
In fact, he may have been too successful. In a bizarre turn of events, funeral homes in the greater Los Angeles area have told the Jackson clan that burying Michael's body would violate over a dozen EPA laws. Initial reports have shown that the polymers and plastics that made up Jackson's endoskeleton is 100% non-biodegradable. Cremation is also not an option since Michael's body was designed to be non-flammable following his near death experience during the filming of a pyrotechnic laden 1985 Pepsi commercial. Launching the body into space would have been an option had Jackson not been technically bankrupt at the time of his death.
The most logical solution that has been suggested involves recycling Jackson's body. Local recycling plants have been contacted to see if their recycling combines would be compatible with the silicone-based resins used to build Jackson's head. Early indications have been that Jackson's body is indeed recyclable. Specifically, his skin was formed out of easily recycled low density polyethylene while the majority of his organs were constructed using a common form of polystyrene. Doctors were shocked to find that Jackson's organs were actually stamped with SPI recycling codes.
The sad truth is that none of this was supposed to happen. Jackson had designed his body to be able to adapt to any environment. He was virtually impervious to the normal needs of the human body. We as fans were supposed to have an endless source of entertainment and controversy. Alas, the mystery of his death will live on, possibly forever. The next time you hear a Michael Jackson song or see one of his videos you should be thinking to yourself, this story really is a Thriller.
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