Have you ever held total control over all forms of media in your country? Have you ever had people publicly executed for "religious reasons"? Have you ever rigged a Presidential election? No? Meet the man who has: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Jealous? You should be.
52 year old Ahmadinejad was sworn in yesterday at the Iranian Parliment building for what promises to be another obnoxious and tirade-laden couple of years in office. It seems that only now Iranians are becoming wise to this old fox's tricks. Although relatively more aware of Ahmadinejad's bullshit, Iranians have yet to convince the military police of his illegitimate status, and thus, essentially can not do squat.
How has Ahmadinejad done it? Were his domestic policies his strength? Were educational programs central to his theme? Yes and no. He has created policies that are both vile as well as genious. The underlying principle that he adheres to that made this whole thing possible is quite simply this: Be an asshole all the time. What has been brilliant about Ahmadinejad's career is that he has played the asshole card to perfection. His winning combination is as follows:
1) Hate America - Always a big vote getter in Iran
2) Make People Think Everyone but Me is Lying Even When it is Obvious That They Are Not - This way you can play the everyone is out to get me card down the road and gain any residual sympathy vote.
3) Threaten to Cut Off the World From Iranian Oil - A tactic Iranian ally Russia has used as well since the world's leaders always lose their balls when oil is on the line.
4) Kill People In Public - Don't like what people are saying about you because it could hurt you in the polls? Kill 'em and then say that you were just adhering to the strict Islamic rule of law because you are such a religious person. Being the right religion is a big vote getter in any society, just look at what happened to that Mormon guy from Massachusetts who ran for President. Who? Exactly.
5) Get Nuclear Weapons and Threaten to Destroy Another Civilization - This dovetails well with #6 and also lets your people know that you will not be pushed around and that their voices will be heard. Afterall, you have already done step #3, so what are they going to do anyway?
6) Promise to Destroy Israel - This type of thing usually makes people mad and your neighbors crazy, but in the Arabian Penninsula this is not a leftist statement, it is a right-wing fundamental. In an area of vitually all right-wing conservatives, this is pure gold.
7) When Things Start To Turn Against You Tell the People, "That is What They Want You to Think" - Losing in the polls? Tell the people that the Americans and the Jews are making you feel that way. Cue rioter in the street: "Oops, sorry, let me change my picketting sign to....wait a minute....just a couple of changes here....sorry about this......Ahmadinejad 4 Eva!!!"
8) Ensure Prolonged UN Sanctions - Can't get food, supplies, or water? Blame the UN, not me. They don't want you to have it. Forget the fact that the sanctions would be lifted if I simply promised not to build and weild nuclear weapons. We have rights and clearly we would be responsible if we were to acquire them. Everyone will suffer until we can make other people suffer, is that clear! Somehow this line of thinking works.
9) Always Say the Opposite of Your Enemies - You want to make sure no one can say that you have any common ground. He says it is sunny, nope I think it is cloudy. She says she is happy, ah, actually you look kind of sad. He said that strapping bombs to children is inhumane and atrocious, but I say we all have the right to raise our children according to our own religious beliefs.
10) When in Doubt, Do Something Assholish - Feeling like you haven't done anything to gain the international TV spotlight lately? Kidnap a foreign journalist and sentence them to death by stoning. The point here is to do something really vile so as to show that you are always relevant to the conversation. Now where did I put those oil pipeline shutdown codes.........
Strangely enough, anyone can live by these simply rules and find themselves in a position of power. These rules are time tested and have been refined and adjusted over many a despotic campaign. However, today we must tip our cap for President Ahmadinejad for he once again has proven that he is a supreme asshole amongst all mankind.
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