Michael Jackson Death a Thriller of a Medical Mystery

News reports have been pouring in all week following the death of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Most recently, initial findings (from what will ultimately be the first of many autopsies) showed that Jackson was a meager 112 pounds when he died; not to mention covered in needle tracks. The autopsy also revealed that his stomach was filled with pain killers, his face was caved in, and half of his ribs were broken due to failed CPR attempts by paramedics. Jackson's family for some reason wants a second opinion, possibly thinking that the next doctor will be blind and miss half of this stuff so they don't look like total money-grubbing, derelict parents.

All this aside, the media has inexplicably overlooked coverage on an angle of this story that really should cause readers nationwide to scratch their heads. How did Michael Jackson die? Seriously, how did he actually die, as in how was it physically possible? What was not disclosed in the original autopsy report, according to an insider not allowed to speak with the media, was that Jackson's body was 99% artificial. The remaining 1% of living tissue consisted mainly of fingernails, or in other words, non-critical organs. Therefore, the question remains, how did Michael Jackson die?

Ironically, Jackson had planned on having the remainder of his living tissue replaced by his 51st birthday. Sources close to the singer indicated that Jackson was technically defined as a cyborg due to the fact that he still maintained living tissue; a distinction he wanted erased. The idea supposedly came to Jackson over 20 years ago while filming Thriller; his epic music video featuring dozens of dancing zombies. Jackson became enamored with the idea of being an undead dancer, but wanted a better complexion than his former zombie counterparts. Although questions remain as to whether he achieved a better complexion, Jackson was successful at replacing his organs and living tissue.

In fact, he may have been too successful. In a bizarre turn of events, funeral homes in the greater Los Angeles area have told the Jackson clan that burying Michael's body would violate over a dozen EPA laws. Initial reports have shown that the polymers and plastics that made up Jackson's endoskeleton is 100% non-biodegradable. Cremation is also not an option since Michael's body was designed to be non-flammable following his near death experience during the filming of a pyrotechnic laden 1985 Pepsi commercial. Launching the body into space would have been an option had Jackson not been technically bankrupt at the time of his death.

The most logical solution that has been suggested involves recycling Jackson's body. Local recycling plants have been contacted to see if their recycling combines would be compatible with the silicone-based resins used to build Jackson's head. Early indications have been that Jackson's body is indeed recyclable. Specifically, his skin was formed out of easily recycled low density polyethylene while the majority of his organs were constructed using a common form of polystyrene. Doctors were shocked to find that Jackson's organs were actually stamped with SPI recycling codes.

The sad truth is that none of this was supposed to happen. Jackson had designed his body to be able to adapt to any environment. He was virtually impervious to the normal needs of the human body. We as fans were supposed to have an endless source of entertainment and controversy. Alas, the mystery of his death will live on, possibly forever. The next time you hear a Michael Jackson song or see one of his videos you should be thinking to yourself, this story really is a Thriller.

Hung-Yu: The Legend Continues

Oh David Carradine (sigh). What happened to you? Once a world famous Shaolin monk wondering the world giving sage advice through his elegantly cryptic words and his lethal roundhouse kicks. Now his voice is silenced forever; the sad result of genital suffocation. The man who gave us quotes like, “If you cannot be a poet, be the poem" probably ended his life with less flowery language.

What has the world come to when such a kind, gentle, and........eccentric person can be left to die in a Thai hotel closet? I personally am pretty annoyed at David. Why? Because unfortunately, his legend, so to speak, will continue in the media for the next month. We have already had the delightful opportunity to hear from his ex-wife that "he was a sexual deviant." Glad we got the heads up on that one before he was found with his Johnson hogtied. Maybe we will be able to get increasingly insightful reporting in the future. Maybe we will be told that he always liked Thailand or that he was considering taking a role in the upcoming thriller The Secret Bond. Unfortunately for all of us, that one fell through.

What is for certain is that we will have weeks worth of his family saying that he was involved in foul play. The Thai authorities will stick to their story and simply label his a super freak who only got to f-himself in the end. The needle will move back and forth in the entertainment pages of America for weeks. Great. I can only hold my breath and wait for other celebrities will weigh in on why he is not a sexual deviant (think David Duchovney or someone similar). For those of you who like dirt, there will be plenty of it. We will get to find out from Thai police that he had enslaved a village. Former partners will tell about his crayon fetish. Just when you are ready to label him a total sicko, a documentary of fallen celebrities will come out and remind you how awesome he was in Kung Fu. And just like that the legend continues. Damn you David!

Boyling-Over

Susan Boyle. Britain's Got Talent. Swearing. National News. International News. Wow, even I have to say this is pretty close to a new low. This blog entry was originally going to be about John and Kate Plus 8 and the media obsession circling around whether reality TV is real or not (you mean it's not?!?!?). However, the fact that I can not open a newspaper or flip on my computer without having to see an article about an amateur Scottish singer that swore at a police officer is just simply mind-boggling. Maybe it is just the fact that I live in Brooklyn and constantly hear people swearing at each other. Maybe it is the fact that most people I know have lobbed an F bomb or two at the local authorities. Maybe it is the fact that I swear like a drunken sailor. Or maybe it is the fact that people in Great Britain have perfected the art of swearing. I am not sure what it is, but what I do know is that this is certainly not national news, and it is definitely not international news. Just ask Joon Il Kim of South Korea who was recently treated for third degree burns after his skin got torched by the exhaust trail of the ballistic missiles North Korea test fired in his backyard. You would have been able ask about 20,000 more Sri Lankans that question as well, but they died this week. Just think, Susan Boyle's star shines so bright that even an Iranian Presidential assasination attempt can't even come close to one of her "fucks" or "shits". This phenonmenon is leading me to think that the world's problems can actually be solved by Susan Boyle's swears since it appears that nothing else happens in the world when she fires off a couple of explatives. Let's try that theory out in a little role playing exercise. I will be Susan Boyle, and you can be a police officer.

You: Excuse me mum, you will have to move your car.
Me: Fuck you.
Global Impact: World Hunger Ended

Wow, that was awesome. Let's try again.

You: If you don't move that car I will give you a ticket.
Me: Who do you think you are fucking talking to?
Global Impact: All Israelis and Palestinians hug in a loving embrace

This is easy. It really works. Nothing else happens in the world when Susan Boyle (or even a stand-in) swears. If we had only known this just a little earlier we could have prevented the Black Plague or even World War II. Holy Shit (anthrax eliminated)! This is a big-ass discovery (nuclear weapons worldwide disappear). Go on everyone, hit the streets and swear your head off. The world is a better place if we can all just come together, hold hands, and tell one another to fuck off....(Crap journalism ceases to exist).

Meth-ing Around with Nature

Crystal meth, also known as Crank and Super Ice, will be joining millions of Americans nationwide this summer.........in our national parks. Thanks to the passing of S.J.Res19 during today's legislative session on Capital Hill, the so-called Meth Bill could go in front of the President as soon as Thursday. The Meth Bill would allow all Americans to not only carry, conceal, and consume crystal meth in national parks, it would allow anyone over 18 to manufacture crystal meth as long as they get a permit from the National Forest Service.

This news comes as quite a shock to most Americans, and many wonder why this Bill ever made it to a vote since manufacturing and distribution of crystal meth is illegal worldwide. The answer is that no one was supposed to know that the Bill existed. That isn't exactly true, but close. The Meth Bill was originally coined the Save the Babies Bill. The primary purpose of the legislation was to set up a national fund to cover expenses for pre-mature babies without health insurance. However, buried deep in the document was the three sentence paragraph which offered up the national parks as fodder for meth heads.

The controversial legislation was written by Minnesota Republican Senator Norm Coleman. Coleman, a former meth addict himself, said the reason he included the bill was that it was a win-win situation for him. "On the one hand, my term in office has expired. On the other hand most people in my constituency are addicts. What do I have to lose?"

This story may never have been told if it wasn't for the public fervor that built up last week when a similar sub-bill allowing kindergardeners to carry high explosives was buried in the fine print of a wildlife bill meant to protect the manatees. The public backlash was intense and forced the President to veto the bill; sending it back to Congress for revisions.

"When did the public start reading these things?" said Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn. "How am I supposed to serve special interest groups if people are checking these things over?" Indeed. The tides may certainly be changing in Washington DC. However, judging by the historically short attention span of the nation the days of pro-napalm bills, anti-non-Evangelical policies, and deregulatory pork fat are far from over.

That's Just How I Was Raised, No Offense

There are dreams, and then there are wet dreams. Donald Trump is having the latter. His brainchild, the Miss America contest, has been in years past, frankly, as irrelevant as a male nipples. This year was different. This year one of the high-glam, low-IQ contestants let loose a bombshell.................she does not approve of homosexuals getting married, no offense. How shocking! Wait, there is more. She considers herself a conservative Christian! Doubly shocking! I can't believe it.

I for one am glad that this year's Miss America runner-up Carrie Prejean brought this to light. I am extra thankful that the world media was there to help spread the word that conservative Christians do not agree with gay marriage. I simply had no idea. It is nice to see every media outlet, including talk shows, daytime TV, magazines, newspapers, editorial columns, etc chipping in and giving us round the clock coverage on this revelation.

As an added bonus, religious groups are using Ms. Prejean as the voice of reason against the growing clamour of social acceptance toward gay people. The anti-gay movement needed this moment. They needed someone who is smart, beautiful, morally grounded, and a perfect role model (no pun intended). After all, Ms. Prejean's message that marriage, according to her upbringing, only applies to men and women really resonates with people. However, a closer look into this matter gives rise to some concerns that our heroine for the anti-gay movement might bare some luster.

Ms.Prejean credits her upbringing and Christian faith for her moral high ground against gay marriage. First, let us examine her upbringing. If we forget the fact that her parents are divorced (oh the sin of it) and that her mother actually said that all men who have mustaches are gay, we may be able to gain some very interesting insights. Ms. Prejean gives off an air of innocense and righteousness, qualities that are expected of Miss California. As essentially a delegate and dplomat of the state of California, she is assumed to be not only law abiding, but also an extension of the state itself. If that is the case, some of her supporters may be irked by her implicit support of some controversial California state laws. Just take a look at the following California laws still on the books that she, as Miss California, inherently supports:

1) Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk - WHAT! She just lost support from children under 10 and parents alike.

2) It is illegal to wash your car in the street - HUH? Teenage boys and street gangs just called, they are out of Prejean camp.

3) It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course - F-THAT! Testosterone laden over-competitive males are off the ticket (some of her biggest supporters)

4) It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent - SNAP! Texas is out too along with men wearing shirts with no sleeves.

5) Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. BUZZ OFF! Creepy old guys just hung up the gloves.

6) It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. THAT'S RUFF! Fanatical widows with cat and dog menageries won't be joining.

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. That would pretty much weed out everybody. Well all is not lost. She also has her faith to fall back on. Subsequent interviews with Ms. Prejean has her referring to the Bible and its literal interpretation as support for her anti-gay marriage stance. That is all fine and dandy, however, literally translating the Bible is a slippery slope. She should hope that her Christian brothers and sisters (those who weren't put off from her inherent support of California penal codes) glance over these passages without looking too closely:

"Take and eat; this is my body" (Matthew 26:26) - Support canabalism

"Suffer not a witch to live," (Exodus 22:18, KJV) - Kill witches

"If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity" (Deuteronomy 25:12-13, NIV). - Maim prostitutes and hussies

"Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ." (Ephesians 6:5, NIV). - Enslave people

"But if ... evidences of virginity are not found for the young woman, then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones..." (Deuteronomy 22:20,21) - WAIT!!!!

Now, take a look at this picture that was recently released of Ms. Prejean. Should we load up on stones? I don't want to be a stickler here, but that was the way I was raised, and the Bible clearly states that we should be gathering rocks right now, no offense.

Sorry. Pigged Out.

Unfortunately, there will be no post today since everyone in the world is projected to contract swine flu. If you have not taken the appropriate precautions it is likely that you have already contracted the disease and infected all of your loved ones.

Precautions include:

Wash hands frequently
Do not sneeze in the face of other people
Do not cough on other people
Do not let other people cough or sneeze on you
Do not drink spit that is not your own

Do not lick the floor of public restrooms
Avoid all people at all times
Wear a biohazard suit at all times
Do not talk to Mexicans
Do not talk to people from Queens, NY
Avoiding inhaling, only exhale
Kill all pigs worldwide
Kill all other animals that look like pigs

Obviously these precautions will only delay what is now certainly inevitable according to national media outlets; the total destruction of humanity. Keep those fingers crossed.

Craigslist Killer Post Bail.........On Craigslist

In a bizarre turn of events, Philip Markoff the 22-year old being held by Massachusetts police for the murder of prostitute, I mean call girl, I mean escort, I mean aspiring model, I mean unlicensed-wandering-handed masseuse Julissa Brisman, has posted his bail on Craigslist. Although initially denied bail after becoming dubbed the Craiglist Killer by the national media, bail was set for $30,000,000 by judge Roberto Stephens of the 5^th Circuit Massachusetts Superior Court. The change in bail status took place after Markoff’s fiancée Megan McAllister raised support on Facebook.com, the non-killer-prostitute social networking site.

Some people opposed to Markoff’s temporary imprisonment have tried to cast doubt on what would appear to be compelling evidence against the former medical student. Police have indicated that the underwear of the deceased prostitute-masseuse was in Markoff’s possession, along with the gun that killed her, and the plastic handcuffs that bound her, and his fingerprints at the crime scene. The astronomically high bail set by the judge today was meant to serve as a message to the community that the police are holding significant and compelling evidence against Markoff.

Just as quickly as his bail was announced, Markoff, displayed killer instincts and went right for the jugular of the justice system. Markoff fired off a Craigslist posting within 10 minutes of the announcement. Instantly, the number of hits for his ad shot through the roof. In other words, he killed it. His inbox has been assaulted all night, and he hopes that he can find a binding agreement with someone, preferably in an upscale Boston hotel, that will lock this thing up. Any more puns in this paragraph would be overkill.

If Markoff is able to make bail, police plan to fight fire with fire and begin posting fake Craigslist ads for vulnerable prostoescortisesuses in an attempt to re-capture him.