Sorry. Pigged Out.

Unfortunately, there will be no post today since everyone in the world is projected to contract swine flu. If you have not taken the appropriate precautions it is likely that you have already contracted the disease and infected all of your loved ones.

Precautions include:

Wash hands frequently
Do not sneeze in the face of other people
Do not cough on other people
Do not let other people cough or sneeze on you
Do not drink spit that is not your own

Do not lick the floor of public restrooms
Avoid all people at all times
Wear a biohazard suit at all times
Do not talk to Mexicans
Do not talk to people from Queens, NY
Avoiding inhaling, only exhale
Kill all pigs worldwide
Kill all other animals that look like pigs

Obviously these precautions will only delay what is now certainly inevitable according to national media outlets; the total destruction of humanity. Keep those fingers crossed.

Craigslist Killer Post Bail.........On Craigslist

In a bizarre turn of events, Philip Markoff the 22-year old being held by Massachusetts police for the murder of prostitute, I mean call girl, I mean escort, I mean aspiring model, I mean unlicensed-wandering-handed masseuse Julissa Brisman, has posted his bail on Craigslist. Although initially denied bail after becoming dubbed the Craiglist Killer by the national media, bail was set for $30,000,000 by judge Roberto Stephens of the 5^th Circuit Massachusetts Superior Court. The change in bail status took place after Markoff’s fiancée Megan McAllister raised support on Facebook.com, the non-killer-prostitute social networking site.

Some people opposed to Markoff’s temporary imprisonment have tried to cast doubt on what would appear to be compelling evidence against the former medical student. Police have indicated that the underwear of the deceased prostitute-masseuse was in Markoff’s possession, along with the gun that killed her, and the plastic handcuffs that bound her, and his fingerprints at the crime scene. The astronomically high bail set by the judge today was meant to serve as a message to the community that the police are holding significant and compelling evidence against Markoff.

Just as quickly as his bail was announced, Markoff, displayed killer instincts and went right for the jugular of the justice system. Markoff fired off a Craigslist posting within 10 minutes of the announcement. Instantly, the number of hits for his ad shot through the roof. In other words, he killed it. His inbox has been assaulted all night, and he hopes that he can find a binding agreement with someone, preferably in an upscale Boston hotel, that will lock this thing up. Any more puns in this paragraph would be overkill.

If Markoff is able to make bail, police plan to fight fire with fire and begin posting fake Craigslist ads for vulnerable prostoescortisesuses in an attempt to re-capture him.

Octopussy 2: Crazy and Loving It

As the writers here at Newsmania flip through the various media channels looking for something to inspire us, we sometimes see the same stories coming up on page after page. Recently a media sensation has exploded around a completely psychotic mother of octuplets. You read that correctly, octuplets. The best part is, that this woman already has six children. Simple math brings the total body count to 14. This might not be so bad if this person lived in Siberia on a farm and need all those little hands milking yaks, making snowballs, and doing the bidding of the Red Army. However, that is not the case. There are no yaks in this fairytale, not to mention no father as well. Heck, as we are crossing off things on the list, you might as well add common sense, self-control, and a job to the roster of things that are lacking from this situation. The breadth and depth of this woman's desire to mass produce without the means of caring for these children is stunning. Also stunning is her completely delusional nature of truly believing that she can or is actually able to care for these children all alone. So, instead of simply writing another story about how crazy this woman is, we have instead decided to create a new parent application that should be filled out prior to conceiving a child. The following questions represent the salient points from the test:


Questions to determine whether you are a soon-to-be-crazy-ass-parent. This questionnaire should be filled out prior to becoming pregnant. All answers should be checked in the box beside the reponse. Points will be tallied at the end:
Background

1) Are you already pregnant: Yes ( ) , No ( )

2) Are you physiologically a man: Yes ( ) , No ( )

3) Do you want to have multiple children all at once: Yes ( ) , No ( )

4) What is your ideal number of children: ___

5) Would you have an additional vagina/uturus sugically implanted so as to have more babies simultaneously: Yes ( ) , No ( )

6) Do you have endless access to stockpiles of sperm: Yes ( ) , No ( )

7) Do you see conception as the equivalent to food rationing in times of war: Yes ( ) , No ( )

8) Do you horde animals: Yes ( ) , No ( )

Financial Standing

1) Do you have a job: Yes ( ) , No ( )

2) Do you have a full-time job: Yes ( ) , No ( )

3) Does this job pay you enough to support yourself and your current lifestyle: Yes ( ) , No ( )

4) Do you view unemployment, disabilitity, food stamps, or other government support as actually being government support: Yes ( ) , No ( )

5) Do you want to avoid leeching off of your parents, family, and friends for you whole life: Yes ( ) , No ( )

6) Do you see murdering an old person and posing as them so as to collect their social security checks as wrong: Yes ( ) , No ( )

General Mental Health

1) Do you consider yourself crazy: Yes ( ) , No ( )

2) Have other people not jokingly referred to you as crazy: Yes ( ) , No ( )

3) Do all your walls currently have white pads on them: Yes ( ) , No ( )

4) Have you ever wondered what it would be like to drink blood: Yes ( ) , No ( )

5) Does you jacket completely restrict the use of your arms: Yes ( ) , No ( )

6) Have you ever been strapped to a bed by an orderly and told that it was being done for your own protection: Yes ( ) , No ( )

7) Do you write journal entries about killing other people in erratic handwriting: Yes ( ) , No ( )

8) Have you ever stalked anyone: Yes ( ) , No ( )

End of Test

I see these 22 questions as being mandatory for anyone looking to have a child. The scoring is as follows:

Background Questions 1-3: If Yes, subtract 50 points for each question. If No, add 1 point each question. These questions are essentially getting a measure for whether you are already off to a bad start.

Background Question 4: If above 4, subtract 50 points. If 4 or below, add 1 point.

Background Question 5: If Yes, subtract 500 points. If No, add 1 point. This is essentially a disqualifier.

Background Questions 6-8: If Yes, subtract 50 points for each question. If No, add 1 point each question. These are called red flags.

Financial Standing Questions 1-6: If No, subtract 500 points for each question. If Yes, add 1 point each question. These questions are pretty much disqualifiers too since it actually costs money to have a child. Important: Each child costs money, there are no volume discounts for child care.

General Mental Health Questions 1-8: If Yes, subtract 50 points for each question. If No, add 1 point each question.

To pass the exam you must have a positive score. All negative scores fail. If your score is below -5000, please pick up the phone right now and call the police. Tell them that you are crazy and need to have your reproductive organs removed. This will accomplish two things: 1) It will validate that you are crazy 2) It may also accomplish the goal of having the world spared from you ever reproducing. If only this test had been available in time.................

Honk If You Are Stupid

Scenario: It is 1980, the car industry in America has almost collapsed, you are a high-school drop-out, you live in Detroit, your car-manufacturing employer is trying to strip you of all job benefits, you are facing plant closures every year, more foreign cars are hitting the market each day, your company is plagued by quality issues, your company is surviving on various forms of federal subsidies, your pension plan is continually being pared back, and you are holding your 6 month old child in your hands. What career advice do you give him or her?

The answer: Stay in Detroit and work for a car manufacturer.

Now that is real intelligent.

"Nev'r even seen it comin'," said Ruth Kolwowski a 45 year veteran of GM. "If you told me 20 years back I'd be here talkin' to yous 'bout GM closin', I wudda said you were plain ol' crazy." And why wouldn't she? After, all GM, like all the major US car companies are American establishments, and even greater legacies. However, deep down, past all of the empty plants that litter Detroit's suburbs, beyond the lines of picketers outside the remaining plants, Detroit's little secret is finally coming out in the open. What secret? The car companies are in trouble.

This is precisely what the American public, as well as the great and ever observant people in Detroit aren't supposed to know. Now, the government is dropping a whopper on the blue collar workers of Michigan: "No soup for you!"

"I just don't get it. They couldn't have given us a warning or something?" said one out of work mechanic. The car companies claim that they tried to signal that they were in trouble, but no one took them seriously. "I don't know how we could have been more clear. We said we didn't have any money. We said people were not buying our cars. We said we would close plants. We said that we were cutting pay and firing people across the board. What the hell do you people want?" said Chevy spokesman Keith Evans. These sentiments were echoed by others in the industry. "I thought that people would take us seriously when we told them we were literally out of money," said Rick Wagoner former CEO of GM.

Now the talk from Capitol Hill is all about retraining the workforce. The question that is lingering on the minds of millions is: Retrain them to do what? However, maybe a better question whould be: Who would want to hire them?

This is a workforce that got paid more than most Americans to do less than most Americans. In fact, at certain times these people actually got paid to do nothing. This is a workforce that worked set numbers of hours and was historically protected by one of the strongest and inflexible labor unions in the land. Just in case potential employers needed more motivation to not hire them, they speak with heavy accents, mostly lack college educations, and practically require Canadian visas to work in the US.

Sound good? That's the problem, it doesn't. Unfortunately for Detroit its citizens failed to see any one of the literally hundreds of warning signs over the past 30 years. Typically 30 years is long enough to notice that the boat is taking on water, and this ship was nothing short of the Titanic.

Not to worry! A new plan being hatched by the mayor of Detroit to save the city hinges on the US government paying each citizen an inflated salary to stay at home and guard the northern border against Al-Queda. During the winter when even Al-Queda can not cross the border without freezing to death, federal subsidies will be used to finance a chain of polka schools. Sound good? Honk if you do think so. Honk, Honk.

For God's Sake Don't Wear That Rubber!

The pope has made yet another controversial decision, this time relating to Africa. The pontiff has decided that he will only give communion to congregation members who are HIV positive while on his African pilgrimage. When asked about his decision, the pope indicated that he believes that anyone who is not HIV positive must have used some kind of contraceptive, and therefore is acting against God’s wishes.

Speaking through interpreters during Sunday’s mass, the Holy See had this to say to a packed church in the outskirts of Nairobi:

“HIV and AIDS are not the plague of the devil; they are the mark of Christianity. Condoms will not cure this affliction, God will, just like he will with malaria, cholera, dysentery, ebola, and other afflictions you face. Trust in God, not science or medicine. Condoms, vaccines, and other “advances” that are offered to you to as solutions are nothing more than modern witchcraft. Do you think Jesus used condoms? Do you think Jesus received vaccines? Of course he didn’t because God didn’t want him to. God wanted his children to experience all that he created, including love, peace, organ liquidification, oozing sores, constant diarrhea, paralysis, untold physical suffering, and infant death syndrome. That is what being a follower of God is all about.”

Several supporters in the crowd appeared slightly apprehensive at this guidance that is completely contradictory to what most of Africa has been hearing for the past decade. Local resident Ubi Alawaweh wondered aloud, “Does this mean that if I have AIDS now, but have been using condoms so as not to kill everyone I sleep with, that God wants me to stop using condoms and kill everyone I sleep with?”

One resident who received communion but asked not to be named took solace with the pope’s advice. “It is good to know that as a person with AIDS I can still do some good in this world. From today forward I promise to God that I will infect as many people as possible so as to spread his good word. I thank His Holiness for making me see God’s path.”

Not everyone is happy with the pope’s surprise revelation. Not profit groups like the American Red Cross have been flooded with questions since the announcement. “I am really speechless,” says Emily Pearson Director of Epidemiology for the Red Cross. “We have worked for years to tell people that practicing safe sex and getting regularly tested is the only way that we are going to fight this epidemic. Now we have people coming to us to get tested only because they want to go to church with their test results so they can receive communion. The whole situation is shameful.”

Some support groups are seeing mass confusion at a whole new level. One worker for USAID, one of the world’s largest non-profit humanitarian organizations, said that people are coming to USAID tents to actually receive HIV injections. “They think that we are selling AIDS, and when we tell them we are trying to prevent it we are called witch doctors and attacked. These people want AIDS because they think God wants them to have it.”

Attempts to interview the pope more directly on this new development have been rejected. When asked whether the pope is taking any precautionary medications himself, the Vatican issued a blanket statement that the pontiff, under God’s supervision, was not actively trying to prevent infections from lethal diseases (that would be a sin) but does take holy vitamins to keep his immune system strong. Only time will tell which side will emerge from this argument most unscathed, humanity or Christianity. Certainly this seems like a battle that will continue to rage well into the future.

Rihanna Experiencing a Brown Out

Mere weeks after having her face disfigured by super-star rapper Chris Brown, reports from Hollywood say that Rihanna needs a time-out. A friend close to the 21 year old songstress said, “The swelling is just starting to go down and this whole experience has made Rihanna really appreciate being able to see out of her right eye again.” Rihanna’s family had similar feelings on the issue. Her mother Monica Fenty said that she was looking forward to spending some time with her daughter doing “normal things” like walking without a cane or eating solid food together.

For his part, 19 year old rapper Chris Brown has been relatively silent on the issue of whether or not he pounded the face, neck, and upper torso of his star-studded girlfriend on February 8^th, 2009. A statement issued by his publicist appears to deny responsibility for the alleged attack: “Chris Brown is a role model for millions of Americans who appreciate his talents as an artist. Chris is a naturally non-violent person who just happens to sing about the objectification of women and the glorification of street violence." Although Mr. Brown has repeatedly denied the assault, some people are beginning to doubt his claims. Weeks after the incident people are beginning to doubt that Rihanna's wounds were self-inflicted, due to anemia, or the result of a peanut butter allergy. Although plausible, these scenarios are slightly too coincidental when considering that the two singers were arguing alone in back of a car while Brown was allegedly punching Rihanna in the face.

A body guard for Mr. Brown offered an alternate suggestion as to how Rihanna's face turned into a bruised melon. "It is also well known among his friends and family that Chris has really big hands. Sometimes when those hands get going, they inadvertently bump into things like lamp shades, vases, and unfortunately cheekbones.” This writer is still not convinced.

Given yesterday's break-up, neither was Rihanna. It seems that either the subsiding of her brain swelling or Oprah Winfrey's hour-long sit-down with the star has had some impact. Jay-Z, her producer, may also have had something to do with it. Reports out of Los Angeles have suggested that the music mogul could not even look at Rihanna when she did not immediately leave Brown. "Jay-Z was really just disgusted with her both professionally and physically," said personal assistance Gee-Queue LaStrange. "

For now, it seems like Rihanna is making the right choice. She has money, she has fame, and unless her latest CAT scan comes back positive for latent post-blunt trauma aneurisms she has her health. Brown who faces arraignment on assault charges later this month is remarkably receiving wide-spread support from his equally ignorant and pro-gang war fan base who in a recent poll (http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2009/03/13/many_boston_teens_surveyed_say_rihanna_is_at_fault_for_assault/ ) said that Rihanna actually probably deserved it. If convicted Brown faces 3-5 years in jail, 40% higher record sales, and the prospect of reuniting with over two dozen of his former teen-rappers-turned-felons colleagues. The case should rap up by the end of the month.

Corn Growers Revolt Over AIG Executive Pay

Des Moines, Iowa: Corn Growers in America’s heartland have had enough of Wall St. and their cozy ties with Washington. Over the past year the nation’s largest banks and financial institutions have received over $800 billion in government support. Just this week, one of the largest recipients of federal funding, AIG, indicated that it would be issuing $165 million in bonuses to its staff following a stellar year in which the company lost $61.7 billion and received $173 billion in federal bailout funds. Blue-collar citizens are understandably outraged. On Wednesday this outrage took to the streets in this usually quiet farming town. Said one local resident, if tonight’s rally doesn’t call attention to corporate greed, what will?”

If the rally of 3,000 strong doesn’t have the desired effect in Washington, local leaders have hatched a new strategy that may have the desired impact. What new strategy you may ask? Iowa corn farmers have announced that they will demand that the government issue them retention bonuses or else they will quit. When asked how much each farmer is expecting for a bonus the general consensus was that farmers expected pay commensurate with that of Wall St. These everyday Americans plan to fight fire with fire.

What caused these simple people to take on such a controversial stance? “We were number one until these guys came along,” said corn grower Randy Wolfort referring to the amount corn growers receive in federal funding annually. He has a point. Corn growers have received over $56 billion in funding over the past 8 years, and have currently reached an annual funding level close to $10 billion.

"They just waltz in with their fancy suits and think that they can rule this roost. Well, it ain't so!" said another protester. Leading this protest was a small make-shift float contributed by the company Archer Daniels Midland (ADM). ADM is the country's largest corn grower.

ADM CEO Particia Woertz was leading the cheers of "Down with Wall Street greed!" as the float slowly moved through Main Street USA. When asked about the bonuses received by AIG, Woertz had this to say, "Those pigs on Wall Street have lost touch with reality. This right here is America. America needs corn. America demands accountability. America expects pay for performance, not pay for entitlement. You shouldn't get bonuses if you survive on government aid" To these remarks, the crowd surrounding Woertz broke into cheers.

When asked to confirm reports of a $17 million bonus was paid to her in 2008 Woertz responded with, "ADM had a very profitable year last year, and performance was rewarded accordingly at all levels of the company." When asked about a government report that highlighted the fact that close to 50% of ADM's profit is derived directly through government subsidies, and that the rest is attributed to markets created by the government explicitly for corn growers (high fructose corn syrup, ethanol, foreign tarriffs, etc) Woertz ignored the question and yelled into her megaphone, "Wall Street and Washington are full of greedy communists! They will send your jobs overseas! Corn is America and we will fight them!" At these comments the rally carried Woertz down the streets on their shoulders wrapped in an American flag.

If this protest in Des Moines is a signal for times to come, the protest lines could become even longer if other jilted industries hit the pavement as well. The airline industry indicated that they were examining their legal options after they considered the fact that they only got an $18.6 billion bailout in 2001. It seems that Wall Street is really going to get an ear-full from these farmers for some time to come.