For God's Sake Don't Wear That Rubber!

The pope has made yet another controversial decision, this time relating to Africa. The pontiff has decided that he will only give communion to congregation members who are HIV positive while on his African pilgrimage. When asked about his decision, the pope indicated that he believes that anyone who is not HIV positive must have used some kind of contraceptive, and therefore is acting against God’s wishes.

Speaking through interpreters during Sunday’s mass, the Holy See had this to say to a packed church in the outskirts of Nairobi:

“HIV and AIDS are not the plague of the devil; they are the mark of Christianity. Condoms will not cure this affliction, God will, just like he will with malaria, cholera, dysentery, ebola, and other afflictions you face. Trust in God, not science or medicine. Condoms, vaccines, and other “advances” that are offered to you to as solutions are nothing more than modern witchcraft. Do you think Jesus used condoms? Do you think Jesus received vaccines? Of course he didn’t because God didn’t want him to. God wanted his children to experience all that he created, including love, peace, organ liquidification, oozing sores, constant diarrhea, paralysis, untold physical suffering, and infant death syndrome. That is what being a follower of God is all about.”

Several supporters in the crowd appeared slightly apprehensive at this guidance that is completely contradictory to what most of Africa has been hearing for the past decade. Local resident Ubi Alawaweh wondered aloud, “Does this mean that if I have AIDS now, but have been using condoms so as not to kill everyone I sleep with, that God wants me to stop using condoms and kill everyone I sleep with?”

One resident who received communion but asked not to be named took solace with the pope’s advice. “It is good to know that as a person with AIDS I can still do some good in this world. From today forward I promise to God that I will infect as many people as possible so as to spread his good word. I thank His Holiness for making me see God’s path.”

Not everyone is happy with the pope’s surprise revelation. Not profit groups like the American Red Cross have been flooded with questions since the announcement. “I am really speechless,” says Emily Pearson Director of Epidemiology for the Red Cross. “We have worked for years to tell people that practicing safe sex and getting regularly tested is the only way that we are going to fight this epidemic. Now we have people coming to us to get tested only because they want to go to church with their test results so they can receive communion. The whole situation is shameful.”

Some support groups are seeing mass confusion at a whole new level. One worker for USAID, one of the world’s largest non-profit humanitarian organizations, said that people are coming to USAID tents to actually receive HIV injections. “They think that we are selling AIDS, and when we tell them we are trying to prevent it we are called witch doctors and attacked. These people want AIDS because they think God wants them to have it.”

Attempts to interview the pope more directly on this new development have been rejected. When asked whether the pope is taking any precautionary medications himself, the Vatican issued a blanket statement that the pontiff, under God’s supervision, was not actively trying to prevent infections from lethal diseases (that would be a sin) but does take holy vitamins to keep his immune system strong. Only time will tell which side will emerge from this argument most unscathed, humanity or Christianity. Certainly this seems like a battle that will continue to rage well into the future.