Blind Sided

Following her first Academy Award, Sandra Bullock, star of the feel-good football blockbuster The Blind Side, has come under attack from over-zealous fans of the movie...literally. Bullock, who in the movie rescues future NFL offensive lineman Michael Oher from a life on the streets, has had to hire her own offense line (i.e. body guards) to protect her from kids trying to prove to her their football prowess.

Her agent recently explained the situation to the press. "Sandra would like to tell all those children who may be down on their luck, and who may also have football talent, that although this movie was based on a real story, she had nothing to do with getting anyone into the NFL. Furthermore, she will never in the future have anything to do with anyone getting into the NFL. She would also request that children stop tackling her, throwing balls at her, yelling "Hey catch!", and knocking her friends to the ground. This is not appropriate behavior, and will not result in Sandra paying for your education or getting you drafted by the NFL."

Although the message has reached some aspiring football players, it has not reached them all. Jeremiah Livingston is one of Bullock's fans, and plans on showing her what he can do. "I hear what she be sayin', but see I ain't feelin' it. She gots to tell people that she ain't got nothin' to do wit it so dat only people who are for real serious will be left to show her what they gots." Jeremiah, who also goes by the name Lites-Out, will try to join his local high school team as a 22 year old 350 pound walk-on freshman after missing grades 6-8 while serving 3-5 in the state penitentiary on a drug charge.

Lites-Out is not alone. Private schools have reported record numbers of applications coming from atypical backgrounds and expressing interest in joining the football ranks of the over-privileged and under-skilled. Coaches nationwide have been split on whether to push school administrators into accepting these new students.

Regardless of how the prep-schools resolve the issue, Bullock clearly wants nothing to do with it. At an Oscar after-party on Sunday night, Bullock recounted how she was hit from behind and thrown violently to the ground after buying a ball in a department store for her nephew's birthday. Her attacker explained to police that he was just trying to show her, "what he had" which by the end of the encounter was a police mugshot. Bullock made a statement shortly before leaving the Oscar gala, "It's just a movie, let it go!" For some, that is easier said than done.

Cheney Shows Weakness by Having Heart Attack

The debate growing over whether Dick Cheney is actually a human being has apparently reached a conclusion. In a clear sign to enemies of America, Mr. Cheney showed that although his blood is black and his soul is non-existent, he indeed is susceptible to human ailments following a mild heart attack in his nuclear reinforced lair earlier this month. This most recent heart attack, Mr. Cheney's fifth, sent him to the operating room to clear out plaque build-up that had accumulated over the years as the former Vice-President gorged himself on fear mongering and special interest kick-backs.

"Our enemies are weak and Allah will give us the stength to destroy them once and for all," read the headline on Islamic militant website www.ibecameajihadistafteroneofcheneysmisslestrikeseradicatedmyfamilyandnowihavenothingtolive for.org, an Al-Queda linked extremist group. Fears are growing that Mr. Cheney's heart attack may signal that America does indeed have a heart and that more militant groups may look to exploit that humanity as a result.

In response to these fears Mr. Cheney's aid Melvin Sanders issued a statement directly following the operation, "The former Vice-President is in stable condition and has formally announced his intention to declare war on his own body. Al-Queda will not stop until they have infiltrated every red blood cell and each arterial wall of all Americans. If the current President wants to sit on his hands and watch as America's enemies try to attack us biologically, we will take the matter into our own hands. If this body wants war, that is what it will get."

The former Vice-President has already started circulating memos within Congress to send 50,000 troops from National Guard units nationwide into his blood vessels intravenously. An addendum to the memo also requests that nuclear warheads be immediately fired at Iran, Syria, North Korea, and 5 other countries yet to be determined. Asked why Congress should approve of a nuclear strike on 5 unnamed countries, Mr. Cheney responded, "to remind people who is in charge."

President Obama is absolutely opposed to both sending troops to invade the body of the former Vice-President as well as his proposed nuclear holocaust. This opposition has earned the President that label of "Obaby pants" and "Jihad Lover" by Cheney's official fan site www.heartofdarkness.com. Although the President considers these taunts juvenile, some Americans are still worried that inaction sends the wrong message.

"I feel as though someone needs to be shot, or at least shot at over this," says out of work Blackwater Security Chief Linus Uppinshoot. He is not alone. A recent survey has shown that more Americans see Al-Queda as a bigger risk factor for heart disease now than their high-saturated fat diet and sedentary lifestyles by a margin of 2:1.

These are indeed worrisome times in which we live. There is no clear answer as to whether Cheney's military requests will be carried out, but one fact still remains: America can not afford to look weak. Whether America's strength will be displayed through diplomacy or all-out nuclear war remains to be seen.