Alcohol may finally need to sober up. A judge in New York's federal superior court held a formal arraignment hearing for Ethanol (alcohol's real name) during a special court proceeding on Labor Day. Ethanol has been accused of physically abusing millions of people worldwide, and the sheer size of the indictment that has been handed down is an indication of just how extensive the alleged abuse was. Witnesses are still being vetted, but over 400,000 testimonials have been collected so far, and that number is bound to increase. No one really knows just how much abuse may have happened. Additional indictments may be handed down if more people continue to come forward.
For some, the abuse has lasted for years. Court documents indicate that police believe that Ethanol managed to hide the alleged abuse by convincing its victims to consume itself. Once inside the helpless target Ethanol would use its unique chemical properties to torment its host. Due to the fact that Ethanol was hidden within an individual, there were virtually no external signs of abuse. Any slurred speech or random acts of stupidly were generally considered to be the fault of the individual. Typically, to avoid detection after the abuse took place, Ethanol would convince the abused to help it escape through their mouth while hiding itself in piles of late night burritos or onion rings. Ethanol has also been accused of sneaking out of its victims' urethras while the victims were distracted in the bathroom or while they were sleeping.
How did this kind of abuse go on for so long? "The problem is that we always blamed the people, and not the ethanol itself," says medical expert Joseph Snider. "Ethanol's real social coup was that it convinced us to think that it was being abused and not the other way around." If these allegations prove to be true, Ethanol could be looking at over 20,000,000 million years in prison.
The federal prosecution team has a difficult job even though it literally has tens of thousands of witnesses. The main problem is that Ethanol is technically a chemical compound, and its defense attorney Ima Blitzed will inevitably argue that hier client lacks the cognitive powers to be responsible for any abuse that may have happened. Disputing these claims could prove difficult. Ethanol does lack a brain, and clearly is incapable of operating any kind of machinery. Therefore, some of the more serious claims of vehicular misconduct will be especially hard to prove.
Federal officials are also concerned that if convicted, the current prison system will be incapable of effectively containing Ethanol. Federal penal code 237.44.r21 explicitly states that federal inmates must be allowed a minimum of 25 square feet of space while incarcerated. As a result, it would be illegal to restrain Ethanol using a bottle or other container while in prison. This could prove to be a very unwelcome distraction for the government as the defense will no doubt try to have the case dismissed on the grounds of inhumanity. That in itself is ironic since Ethanol is not human.
This case has certainly been groundbreaking on several different levels. Undoubtably more questions will surface over the next few weeks as federal prosecutors lay out their case against Ethanol. To be certain, the thousands, if not millions, of victims around the world will be following this case. For them, the scars of abuse will remain forever. A small golden lining is that most of them can not remember much about it.
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