Evil Bank Evicts 95 Year Old War Hero Who Never Paid Bills

W.K. Gugleheim II is not your typical World War II veteran. He is also a father of 17, a stamp collector, and according to his local bank, a total deadbeat. On Wednesday afternoon W.K.'s local bank, Credit Union of New Templeton, sent him a letter saying that they had had enough of the 95 years old's deadbeat ways. The bank informed W.K. that they were foreclosing on his family home.

"I don't understand why they would do something like this to me. I never did nothing to them ever," W.K. said while holding back tears. The letter that W.K. received from the bank agrees with him. In fact, the bank alleges that he has never made one payment of his $300,000 30-year home mortgage. Instead, the bank alleges that Mr. Gugleheim's mortgage obligation has currently ballooned to over $4 million dollars due to refinancings, late fees, and interest charges.

"I never thought that I could be a victim like this. These banks are pure evil," said Regina Smith-Gugleheim, W.K.'s youngest daughter. My father fought against evil like this in World War II and it is shameful that now we all have to fight this kind of oppression on American soil. When asked about why her father had not paid any of his debts, she responded, "How could he? He can't afford those payments. He doesn't have any money so he shouldn't have to pay."

This setinment was shared with other members of the family as well. Oldest brother Randy also owes over $500,000 to the same credit union, but does not see any need to pay either. "My father is a good man. He took out that mortgage to buy the house of his dreams following the death of our mother." Randy indicated that shortly after buying the house, W.K. left his job, but refused to move. Through a series of reverse mortgages and loan modifications he was able to send his children through college, buy a boat, and pay for a local golf membership.

"I never thought I would have to pay anything," said the distraught grandfather of 7. "I thought that I could take the money and that the value of the land would finance things forever. It is unfair that they expect me to be able to pay. Where will I live? I am a 95 year old widower being forced out of the only home I have ever loved. Where is the justice?"

At this point, the only thing that may be able to save Mr. Gugleheim from eviction is new legislation being handed down by Congress that will halt current foreclosures from moving forward. That could buy him some time, but it does not seem like a permanent solution for this war hero.

Ever wary of the future, W.K. says, "Even if they don't foreclose today, it seems like they will make me pay them something in the future, and that is not fair. I don't even have a job. Someone needs to help me, I certainly can't do anything." Unfortunately, these words ring true to many Americans across the country. Let's just hope that this war hero, and other like him, aren't left in the trenches to die.

Oh Travis

I figured that this would be a suitable article to use for the inaugural edition of Newsmania. The sole goal of Newsmania is to shine a white-hot spotlight on national news that is positioned as front page material (yet is barely fit for a community newspaper). You know the routine. The national news gets its hands on a story about an electrician than electrocuted chickens in his bathtub after work, and the next thing you know you have satellite trucks outside the guy’s trailer for the next two weeks. I refuse to believe that the common American citizen actually needs minute by minute reporting on dead chicken body counts being carried out by the local sheriff’s department. As a result, I will be writing satirical stories to emphasize just how ridiculous this coverage is.

How often does this type of reporting happen you might ask? The answer is: each and every day. What could possibly make my point better than this: Crazed domestic chimpanzee runs around the Connecticut suburbs and eats a woman’s face?

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=6912308&page=1

This thing has grown legs well beyond what is appropriate. This story has been covered by every major media outlet in the country. Is it sad? Yes. Is it awful? Yes. Is it pathetic that the name Travis is becoming the common vernacular for Chimpanzee? Absolutely. Do I really need to wake up every morning for two weeks and see Travis’ face staring at me on the front page of every website and newspaper? Good morning Travis. Do I need to get a complete rundown of Travis’ prescription drug use? NO. I don’t care! If anyone needs Xanax it’s me!

I would like to chalk this one up to….let me think……how about…..to the fact that Travis is not really named Travis. Travis is really named Chimpanzee, and chimpanzees are wild animals that have the ability (and tendency in the wild) to rip off the faces of other animals. Chimps have a good little rap going. They are known as our fun-loving, hairy cousins that provide us with endless hours of entertainment at zoos nationwide. Oh those chimps and their bodily fluids! So let me understand, as soon as this fantasy image of chimps is shattered it suddenly needs to be covered on national news? Does the public really need to be reminded that animals in the zoo are actually dangerous and that is why most of them are surrounded by concrete moats and reinforced cast-iron barricades? Give us some credit.

So save your 911 tapes, your family interviews, and your photo collages. This story ended with a butcher’s knife to the back and a hail of bullets about a week ago. Thanks to modern reporting, the nation is now eagerly awaiting Travis’ urine sample to see if he was suffering from a heroin relapse moments before the attack. I can’t wait.

This is a real story, and will be the last of its kind on this blog. The rest to follow will be colorful misrepresentations of what should have been almost news.